911

i wish i knew what were happening inside my body.
and my mind.
because today,after she gave me the grim prognosis.
my first instinct was to call someone. but i didnt
then i felt like i didnt want to tell anyone.
and then i cried
i wondered how much i could accomplish in a year or two.
and if this is it.... what would i change?

sweet jane

well... i survived the force that is aunt janet.
shes pretty intense. i had forgotten how much so.
she seemed to bring her little janetland with her.
sj said she srpinkled .it all over
and shed be finding bits of it in her car and apt for months.
we had a blast. put hella miles on the black bitch and i got way more comfortable driving.
though i still didnt do the bay bridge or that fucking caldecott tunnel.
i got some lovely pics. finished editing and will post... tomorrow.



written july 9th

youve seen your birth your life your death

ive seen my end.
i think it was quite by accident
but ive seen
how my life will end.

they will need a line into each arm.
and will use up the veins quickly.
my arms will ache
as they did when i was a junkie.
part of what led me here

it will be painful.
even though they will pump me full of morphine
it will make me restless
and make my head pound.
i will talk incessantly and scratch
i will be thirsty.
parched
willing to beg for literal drops of water on my tongue.

funny that the pain and ache i tried to kill with drugs....
is (in part) what got me here and will take me there...
to ache, thirst and hunger.
to suffer my end

this is my blog!

i mean more to me than any of you. so fuck off. i need it.
so if you dont like it...
dont look.

i'll be back...

this place is no fun anymore.
it should be. but i feel too stifled to express myself here.
i need a redirect.

us, in the middle of this delusion...

pretty exhausted and a little jammed up.
blogger has issues, so its frustrating to post.
should i move? ugh.
is that 8 or 9? since june 1st.

hot fun in the summertime

already july.
my sister in law janet arrives sat evening. so excited to see her. its been many years.
ive been closer to her longer than my real sisters.
we've been fucked up but never at the same time.
it will be s cool to spend time with her... here.
i cant wait!
i have some cool things planned for her.
hope the fog will work woth me 4th of july...
we need good visibility.