keep on smiling

 

unless youre a hermit

youll navigate the storms of the people around you

i had major contributors to bad weather this year.

 you see that smile on my face?

i will always come back with it. wiser!

 

to the endless string of  young, old, rude, eager, jaded, boring, delicious, busy, beautiful, inexperienced, shy, hopeful, clueless and perfect...

lucky "13" lay before us like an endless road of adventure and opportunity.

i cant wait to see what happens next!

 

 

 

boo!

waiting to feel better after surgery.
i hate waiting especially on myself.
i want to move and groove and
taste, feel and explore.
still grounded for 2 more weeks.
i am not in my happy spot.
retail therapy.... all i have right now is money.
everyone gave me cash for xmas.
score.

candys room

darkness came out in 1978. i was 17 living on my own in chicago. at that time, i didnt object to people calling me sandy.

now i wont answer to it.

i knew a guy who to sang this as sandys room. fine memory.

i loved almost everyting on this album.  

to me, this is a fucking masterpiece.

in the darkness, there'll be hidden worlds that shine.

joy

12 21 12

I wasn't going down without my curls and ruby woo!
Just in case... You know. ;)

back to it

i return to work tomorrow after a month off.
i wish it had been a vacation.
i wish it had been wonderful and invigorating.
it WAS a radical step in the right direction.
long slow process this rebuilding thing.
my patience has abandoned me.

fuck thumper

ive tried to live by the rule of thumper...
"if you cant say something nice, dont say nothing"
fuck thumper.
fuck you
fuck her and him
fuck them all....
if i could spit in your fucking face right now
i would.

Back out into the strange land....

Watching the last Sunrise from my hospital room in walnut creek.
Once again my future is uncertain and I am fearless as I begin,,, again.

Essentially everything has changed. Especially me. The entirety of my life has been ripped to shreds.

Restoration!

Twelves

I want to go home.
But there is none.
Looking for release
And there is none.

the experiment

I placed ads in the spring hoping to find a particular type of submissive to train. I had immense hope. In an area this size, surely there were many, eager submissives bursting with desire to please a mature, confident, domina.
I spoke with over 200. Lots of fetishists, married, inexperienced or ashamed of their proclivities. Many had distance or schedules that would make them unavailable to me or they faded out quickly. The majority never made it out the door to meet.
I met 40. Most had little or no chemistry. Sometimes on my side, sometimes on theirs.
I laid hands on 12. the ones I might have enjoyed further were weekend warriors. Wanting playtime on the weekend, after ignoring me all week. (an issue throughout this project)
I was intimate with 2. one I regret. The other was intense and amazing and i would do it again even though it burned out way too quickly. ~XxL
0 wanted this for real in their daily life. Its more of a secret they keep from the rest of the world, indulge it and you become part of the secret.

cover you in my curves

turn the lights off
cause im all yours
cover you in my curves
ill give you what you deserve
we could get lost
get the lines crossed
run it like a fever

im alive

live out loud

 

“If you ask me what I came to do in this world; I, an artist, will answer you:

I am here to live out loud.”

― Émile Zola

Make a wish

adeline have mercy!

attempts

She's waiting..

uh huh

i dont know when i realized the first time that when a female goes nuts... and starts calling you crazy, just close your mouth and she will show everyone who the real nut is. but ive had to use this practice on more females than i care to admit. ive known way more than my share.
anyone who knows me, knows my boss went nuts.
i mean bonkers.
fucking gone.
i gave my notice.
and she took a medical leave.

and slowly...the big boss is seeing....
i fucking love this.

eruption

So much has happened. So quickly. As is the norm in my life. At a time when I'm trying to structure some kind of life for myself, the ground literally erupted beneath me. The floor. The entire floor of this huge house has been damaged by a hot water leak. I have to move us. Let them fix the house and move her back in....BEFORE I have this surgery. .
Sigh
Here we go again.

Kitty loves kinky boots

The devoted.

Late for the sky

Take the shackles off my feet so I can dance

So so busy. All my projects getting done at once. It's great seeing thig come to fruition that I've worked on for so long. One project for 2 years. Ahhh.

Endings and pauses. Lol
Ending with one boy. And sadness.
A pause while the new boy is in the dirty south with family.

AnD I'm on a 6 day stretch at work.

open up baby!

Tell me lies

Just when you think you've got it down. Your heart securely tied and bound. They whisper. Promises in the dark.

wow!

this is wicked!

click

The reign of terror is over

She swooped like a beaming warrior of feminine strength and beauty.
She had high expectations.

I can jump through numerous hoops for the right amount of money.
I was certain I could please her.
I'm a charmer.
I could make her LOVE me.

And she did. And she did even more.
And then it got weird. And weirder.

And suddenly she turned.
Like the bad dog I knew she was.
And she didn't love me anymore.
In fact.
She became a slow steady stream
Of psycho poison.

A psychotic bitch Freight train trying to take us all down.
I stood strong. Taking the poison.
Smoothing out the ruffled feathers in the hen house.
And when I called her bluff.
She flew away.

Unbelievable.
Slowly.
Sigh.
It's all going to be ok.

michael with rules

CENSORED

Exuberant

but do i look good?

cause i sure feel good

Shallow bitch

I guess I was wrong. I would normally have just taken my thought and myself from you. Like a punishment with no end. Cruel. But then it fades and so does the hurt of abandonment. But it's still there. It's happened to me. It's awful being left to question, standing alone, scratching your ass going" what the fuck happened here."
Instead. I go for honesty. Whether my statements true or unfounded. You asked for the truth. I gave it. Now I'm sorry I did. Fuck honesty. I'm the shallowest motherfucker alive this day!

faces

hypersensitive

i feel everything today.
it began when i woke hot and was already naked.
up and running i encountered.
people who i found superannoying.
yet i noticed it didnt bother others the way it did me.
i found good year failing to mention things to me that they offered up when i had my "son" call. cocksuckers. they fucked me $50 less than their original offer. thank you michael. i was even more upset but had cooled to ice when i entered and dealt with theim. i dont bitch. they can wait for my yelp review.
"rob" looked over my car as a courtesy then made me feel like it was falling apart. dickhead.
i called my mechanic and went to target to get oil.
i felt every conversation. every footstep. it was the oddest thing ive ever encountered.
and i remembered why i dont like people very much.
everywhere i turened. toxic feelings like daggers to my heart.
i barely made it to the parking lot before my eyes just leaked.
all down my face,
without a sound.

Changing directions.

I can't do it anymore.
All this madness. All of you.
Taking.
Taking
its coming on fall.
i want to nest. not long.
my interests are better served on me
here
and now.

i could be as patient as death...

I want this!

just in case i dont come through

Finished

these have been unfinished in my notebooks.

i struggled to see the pencil drawing. and now looking at it here,

i see how bad my eyesight has gotten.

Take me with you

Merrrrr

again.
a fearful flutter.
in.
and out.
of the gutter.

Penis envy

Survey says

A young friend recently had to survey 100 friends for school.
Here is my Q&A.

Am I content? Never. But I am having the time of my life right now. Not everyone can say that.

Learning. I learned the most working as a professional dominatrix than anywhere else in life. About myself. About people. I am a wealth of perverse information and statistics on human behaviior/sexuality and the variables of. It's not an education most would want... But I'm not most.

School. I did not do school. Some regrets. But i move forward.

My advice. Read alot, hang out with old people and dont think too much.

Devotion

Despite my human faults....

everytime i look at this card i am blown away.

WORDS so perfect.

14 years. will i ever tire of this game?  ;)

Whore

Spitting on xtians

fan mail!

From: nslaveme2day
9/8/12 11:57 AM
Hi, you stupid fucking cunt. I tire of you ignoring my messages and at least having the courtesy to tell me to fuck off. So you can go fuck off. I hope you get beat down by a big black dude and he tears your ass to shreds.

Distance

If you are at a distance and haven't met me yet.... It's all potential.
We are not betrothed or an item. And I am definitely talking to others. Until I meet the one I want to collar. Then I will rearrange my life. Any talk of details and restrictions is just that. It's simply talk.
Sometimes, even thoughts are simply that. Just thoughts.
I will not trust you til your ass walks out the door and flies into my city and kneels at my feet.
Then we can talk further.
If you expect perfection or If its all about chemistry.... And you doubt I have it. Stay home.

mommy kisses!

oh poo!

its right there under the surface
it comes up and i swallow it down.
it aches.
i keep thinking ill find the time.
truth is i have to make the time,
it doesnt magically appear.

i hate that i constantly question my motives.
when truth is... i need to be more selfish, and demanding of my needs.
in every area.

i was given a book to read for work,
the art of extreme self care

apparently.... im not nearly selfish enough.
dig!
im on top of that rose!

Big ass sky

illicit

give it to me now!

Being a domme gives me the illusion of control in a world full of chaos.
give it to me.
dont try to smooth me out.
Shut the fuck up and be still. This is what *i* do.
Don't Show your cock unsolicited.
Don't ask to show it. It takes all the fire out of me demanding to see it.
I want surrender. not games.
Don't be too much about your ass or your abuse.
What I want to hear is "anything you want Domina"

Aren't you the least bit curious to see what I would come up w on my own?

found in drafts from august 8th

later that day

upon reflection, i had a hand in some of those tears.
i sarificed one then stepped in to be the hero.
i expressed my desire to return to the old schedule.
i had no idea all the madness that would ensue around it.
heads will roll!!
perhaps.
ive finally learned how to deal with women.
with MY best interest at heart.
these women, all but faye, suck the life out of me.
all consuming needy females.
i think they bathe in drama.

this you know i understand

i just got the message that everything is fixed at work.
this from she who wreaks havoc on everyone with every appearance.
leaves bitches crying and lives shattered in her wake.
and i pick up the pieces and i hug them all and tell them ill take care of it.
and i do.

all i want to do is let go of this lump of emotion in my throat,
but im afraid if i really open up... i wont stop crying for 3 damn days.

cant you just hold me for a minute
and tell ne its all gonna be ok?

let it fill you up

Bloody good time

I saw an old friend recently.

CENSORED

the blood isnt the best part

it was him laughiing like an insane fuck while i ripped him up with an electro wartenberg.

its all mine!

yea i may rot in hell but
i am not one bit sorry for the young man
i blindfolded, tied to my bed and used.
of course eventually i untied him....

i would suggest any woman over 50
fuck a young hot guy.
let them put their hands
and mouth
all over you
i always feel deliciously hotter and
more beautiful after.

mouth

hooked on this right now

out of retirement

ive been playing quite a bit lately.
im having a blast... but.
since i dont want sexual favors (i save all my lovin for baby boy;)
im feeling kind of ripped off afterwards. even resentful.

so i will be booking appointments for corporal sessions, wednesdays and fridays in walnut creek.

Girls are dis Gus-ting!

CENSORED

I don't belong to you!

all of the good ones are taken

Luna

I have been so restless. There's that word again. Today was like nails on a chalk board.a nd the there it is. Big yellow bitch in the dark sky.
No fireworks. No baby boy beneath me. Just that moon calling me. Misbehave, misbehave.

I'm so restless. Irritable. Emotional. I feel like I've wasted 2 mos talking to people who ended up.... Married, damaged, self absorbed, ignorant, uncomfortable with their feelings, had unrealistic expectations or there was no chemistry.
I have a total sweetie in baby boy. But his time is limited. I have way more energy than 1x a week! Or two. Boooo!

Runaway

what it is what it is

thank you.
youll never know what its meant
how it caught me in the spiral
every gesture was appreciated.
but being aloof i couldnt say
how beautiful i feel with you beneath me.
or how good you look
in smeared ruby woo lipstick.
sleeping in my collar and cuffs.
kissing me with your eyes open
or with your face buried...

i am your secret.

tell me what you want

i want one adoring servant.
devoted, clever and witty.
who wants only to serve me.
whatever i need.
an ass to whip,
lips to kiss,
a face to use,
a cock to cage,
balls full and heavy.
whatever i desire.
mine to devour.
who exists for my perverse pleasure,
who aches to be near me.
one who is willing to get slapped,
because he cant get enough of me,
who is willing to surrender all he feels for me,
and dive headlong with me,
into the night.

350lb white boy... just come get me!

From: kysl-----

Im from 32 Male from Kentukcy . Im married and looking to be a slave . Im looking to be taken , kidnaped.... and made into a full time live in slave . I mean i would go with you all you would have to do is come get me . I would be a good slave . I love pain and i have no limits. i would do anything to make you happy ,ANYTHING AT ALL . I don't want to ever be found by anyone i know ever again , think ... if i would leave my fam. and friends and everything i know , i would make a good slave . I want to please you in everyway !! please think about this ... Im 100% for real !!! Slave Bailey
Desscription:
State:
Height:
Weight:
Age:
Orientation:
Ethnicity:

Last Online:

Male Submissive
Kentucky
5'11"
350 lbs
33
Bisexual
Caucasian


did bailey consider for one minute what i would do with his fat ass once i "came and got him". lmfao
some peoples children!

fuck with that!

push and pull and struggle with the knot

shes a beautiful screamer. but thats not the best thing about nikka.
its her ass!! fucking amazing.

I wish it would rain.

Saturday afternoon and I'm stealing away from the madness. I place a simple ad. And am completely overwhelmed with responses. Sitting alone in a restaurant taunting men with cleavage. I love to watch them squirm.

Back to walnut creek and setting up for the evenings festivities. I believe I've made up my mind. Won't he be surprised!

dont cry to me

Have mercy!

If I turn down the music, I can hear hearts breaking. Had fun taunting weak men in downtown walnut creek. #ifuckingloverubywoo
Things have finally leveled off at work
AlThough, it's still batshit crazy round here. Back on for 2 days and off for 3. Across my lap bad boy!!

full moon fireworks and epiphanies