Ends

New Year's Eve. I wasn't sure I'd see this one. Back at work but feeling like shit. 

I feel like all I did this year was fight. Cancer, depression, fluid, love. 

The Cancer is in remission but the cirrhosis remains. It hurts. I'm tired of it. 

2015. I hope we all get what we want. What we dream of and what we deserve. 

Goodbye 2014. Good riddance. 

In my hands

I'm in the worst funk. I feel sluggish because I have to sit around w my feet up when I'm not working. I'm holding an extra 10 pounds of fluid. Shoes. Shoes are a problem. I loathe flip flops because the offer no support; like a boot, per se. 

Mentally I'm spent from all this and just ready to be out of pain. 

I came back to work too quickly, in haste, just to be home again. 

My libido is back but I'm single and don't feel good enough to meet anyone new.

The CANCER is gone but I feel worse than I did before I got it. 

My only reprieve, it's all in my hands and I  can stop the suffering when I'm ready. 

calm before the storm

cant sleep. trying to enjoy the winds whilst they are warm and dry. it is presently 507am thursday. and i am off.
and as only californians would call it... hellastorm is on it way and looks to be severe.winds, waves, inches upon inches of rain, mudslides, power outages from fallen trees and.... urban flooding,
it had to be coming, we had 3 years with precious little rain.
tried to paint. unhappy with the results and detest practicing.
i want to make the most of every gesture, every breath.
i want to attain as much information as i can while im here.
consider me on a mission to observe what its like to be a human in 2014/15 on this planet.

i just adore research.
human sexulaity and the variables of , fascinates me continuously.

Up all night

Black Friday...

I tried to stay away from it all and found some treasures...

The Mac

I thought they played tight as hell. Looked great, sounded great. All I could get was lighting, which was stunning, soni did.

We got to our seats like 0 minutes early and it was black and i capfuls hear mgs feet I. That bass drum . We go there just in time for "the chain. Samantha was grinning ear to ear and I got to see my woman crush in boots,,,,,, stevie nicks. 

Happy birthday to me.  

The lighting wa stunning and all I could really capture.

birthday mac

sj was wanting to see bob seger. but when i logged in, fleetwood mac is playing at the oracle in oak town right before my bday.
my daughter is a secret stevie fan, arent all females?
so i am woman crushing hard
she says capes and all.... we'll see.
once in a lifetime........ perhaps
i got good (not excellent) seats too. so stoked. its been 19 years since i took her to her first concert. aerosmith. in the nosebleed section at the pyramid.

11/11

make a wish. i did.
both times it was 11/11 and i expect them to come true.

i went to my GP today. shes romanian, my age. love her.
i told her "i need a release to go back to wooork my CANCER IS GONE.
she got up, and came across the room to where i was sitting. "this is very good news, you must give me hug." she went on and on about how rare primary liver cancer is in this country and that she "had me for dead. This is miracle. amen!
i handed over my work release to go back the 17th. i am elated for something to do.
i still have to remiind myself im not dying soon.
still changing gears i guess.

treated some paintings and sending 11 off to new homes.
i need more room in my book.
after ive been back at work for a couple of months....
im looking for an apt. studio/sleep/playspace... in essence... home.

i kicked its ass....

the cancer is gone.
thank you thank you thank you
now i can get on with the business of living without this hanging over my head
apparently faye is very happy i am returning. i know my boss is.
sj gets her place back and i willl be getting an apartment .... soon.
juicing ahade leaves and rick simpson oil,is how i killed the cancer. if youre interested, let me know.
ill be around to drive you all mad a bit longer,\get reqady. i smell new leather,                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              

Aquatic hell

Have been so busy and stressed out about these damn jellyfish skirts. It took way more fabrication (as history would have it) than I expected; coupled with the fact I'm doing 2 costumes. Ahhh! I don't have time to feel bad, but boy am I swollen. I can put my feet up Saturday but all I want to do is paint. Makes sense.

I love things I can't have. 

It's 309 am and I am done w the biggest part. Lots to do tomorrow. Lights and tentacles and I WILL get them both done by 7pm. Now. I'm gonna sleep for a bit. 

even you

obsessed with this song right now......

the fitful dreams

im going to a different doctor

i plan to only accept palliative care

the chemo is not curative.

theres no chance for transplant because the cancer markers 

(signs of spreading) are off the charts.

no chance for removing the tumor because of the cirrohsis.

i am dying. whether i want to or not.

i shsould get to choose how. 

i will choose how long i suffer and see my family sufffer.

its already taking its toll on them.

once i know its in my hands, i can rest easier.

bleh

ive felt like garbage for the last 3 days.
called the doc and they are starting scans before the next chemo. argh!
im ready to be done. back to work, grateful to be there.
i feel like lucas in "empire records', grafted to the couch, in some form.

things with samantha have smoothed over.
shes been asking if im ok, says she doent want to get desensitized to it.
i told her i can deal with the pain, just keep making me laugh.
she does a fantaatic job of that. sos did her dad. very funny guy.
i just wish zed was around one every cpl weeks to give me a hug and tell me itll be ok.
it will.

im not worried. im just tired of feeling like ass.
anyone can undesrstand that.

best snorkeling, sharks cove

Oahu

I didn't take a ton of pics. I will never forget. Will I!?

lainikai beach. absolutely beautiful, peaccful. warms

and warm water!

manoa falls. well worth the hike. my poor kids. is was rough on them. this was after, smiling because i made it up the devils straircase. coming down was worse, it was muddy and misty and i just felt like i was being drug down a mountain because they insisted on holding my hand like im 5. i finally said let go, and ill grab your hand when i need it. much better. this put me in bed the next day.lol old ass!

this was the beach closest to the condo. it wasnt as well kept, but was great for a toke and the sunset. even swimming. no crowds at all.

theyll never take me alive!

finally thinking i will live through this chemo. still got my hair.

my chubby thighs and a returning sex drive!(10 days after chemo)

 i should get the results of the chemo by halloween.

i am trying  to take back the nite and quit feeling so old.

somedays, like im dead already.

i just want to live. enjoy and love as much as i can until i cant.

so it is my intention to return to work dec 10. cut any further chemo if this roud doesnt work and move on when its time.

ive battled demons.

overcome addictions,

toxic people,

twisted fuckers,

my own self destructive tendencies. 

i think i can take a out a bit of cancer. 

dont you?

making memories

Even more than memories.
I wanted them to spend time doing things together.
To remember they have more in common than me.
They live so far apart, it would be so easy to lose touch.
There is no one who will understand them (on some levels):
even though they are very different.
the way they understand each other simply because they are weird, like me.
(beams with pride)
i think its really a crap shoot with kids.
i know some grown kids that dont leave or have trouble socially and get stuck.
or worse! any number of things can happen. im just lucky.
im flattered they took the time from their lives to spend with me, next time it will be for each other as well.
I can already see they are closer.
how lovely.
check that off my list.

Aloha

Just dropped off the rental car. Heading to the airport and back to the bay. I am exhausted. Almost finished. 

with my teeth sunk into my own flesh

i went through a patch where i ripped up every painting i did, began.,. etc.
this weekend i did 2, something familiar.
one i finished,


the other is soon finished, just adding depth now, perhaps some greenery.
i had no libido either, im wondering if its on the same cycle as the chemo,
 because i remember this happening before. i'll see.



my crazy son arrives tomorrow, its been over a year.
he samantha and i fly out tuesday morning
headed for honolulu for 7 days.
the addams family does oahu, all in black i bet!

i actually wear the black for extra protection,
they wear it for their own reasons.
its true, a darker color blocks more uv rays. cacky 3, black 7.
my skin has an almost allergic reaction to the sun,
it breaks the blood vessels. (thank you liver disease)
so i will be as covered as i can and still get wet.
my personal mission is to fly my mini dragonfly kite on the beach.
and to snorkel, and hope i have the energy to keep up with these 2.
they will not let me rest on the rails,
theyre gonna take me off trail, down a canyon and under the falls.
one pulling and one pushing from the other side saying,
"you can do this mom"
they make me look good. repeatedly.
i cant wait for a break. its been too long.

ive spent too much time waiting and not enough time living.
i know i have cancer,
but i also know im not gonna cure it with heartache and laying on the couch.

what a great place to get a new perspective.
my laast trip to oahu saved my soul.
its time to change.
i cant thik of a better place to sort things out.
sigh

What world is this?

What world is this?  Such an amazing place w amazing things and..... Amazing possibilities. Truly magical things have happened in the last few years. A.......... I got my son back. He could've declined an invitation to meet me again after being estranged for 7!!! Yes 7 years. He had the courage to come meet his sister and Me again, double bullet. Lol it's obvious we were not the people he thought we were. And was pleased enough to continue a relationship with me and his sister ; above what any normal 22 yr old  would do. We talked about the past once. Admitted my fault and we've moved on from there. The 3 of us have a no guilt pack. No more guilt. Life's too short. 

There were a few things on my bucket list. ,,,,,, see zac again., done beyond my wildest expectations. 

To talk to Nic.  Done. 

Snorkel w both kids in hi .... Won't be long! 

I had things return to me, a photo album left behind 27 years before. And a necklace I had forgotten leaving w a friends mom 37 years before. I led a gypsy life from very early. I'm so grateful to revive little treasured memories along the way. 

And.... There's lee. 

august ending

this year has flown by. been off work for 2 month and it seems like years. i miss it so. chemo treatments and constant scans is not a job.

but getting rest and getting well is

i am trying to do that.

i struggle to paint somedays. others it is easy.

writing more than a paragraph is a chore.

so i just write blurbs

i wanted to make it to fall.....

and here we are, after oahu, it will be fall!

Obsessed?

And there's more. Much more. 

robin williams

i was beyond saddened to hear of his death.
 the man was infectiously funny. (i am a particular fan of his voices and inpersonations, loving to mimic people as well.) how could this man who gave so much laughter to so many people have been sad enough to end his life.
i opted for the idea that with such highs, come lows.

i have always considered suicide an arrogant act.
fame made me rethink it years ago.
and illness, i admit has made me consider it (quality vs quantity)
it becomes a more personal decision.
did he want to deteriorate from Parkinsons in front of the world?
or end it on his own terms.
i don't think theres glamour or dignity in any death.
its ugly
and its over.



thanks dear mr williams
i'll look for the laughing star.

fast forward

from aug 3rd


that monday morning landed me in the er
 as it turns out i had an infection, increased ammonia levels and was completely delusional when they let me out of the hospital. i tried to tell the nurse. they only hear what insurance tells them to do i guess. so it took 2 days and alot of work to get back to ok and im still.... questioing .
delusions seem so real.
then i find out the meds i was on... dilaudid, cause delusions. gee thanks doc!
luckily in my upset... i ripped up the prescription for more of this medication.
i think it was the sanest move i made.... but i probabaly looked the craziest then.

i feel good today. i feel happy and grateful for the lovely people in my life. more bullshit to catch up on and then hopefully... i can paint tomorrow.
heard this gem on the radio the other day...

days later....

that monday morning landed me in the er
 as it turns out i had an infection, increased ammonia levels and was completely delusional when they let me out of the hospital. i tried to tell the nurse. they only hear what insurance tells them to do i guess. so it took 2 days and alot of work to get back to ok and im still.... questioing .
delusions seem so real.
then i find out the meds i was on... dilaudid, cause delusions. gee thanks doc!
luckily in my upset... i ripped up the prescription for more of this medication.
i think it was the sanest move i made.... but i probabaly looked the craziest then.

i feel good today. i feel happy and grateful for the lovely people in my life. more bullshit to catch up on and then hoefully... i can paint tomorrow.
heard this gem on the radio the other day...

adjustments.

i have such amazing people around me.
they are few, but steadfast and mighty.
sj and i are are trying to work out the kinks of our situation.
im dealing with the noise of the city vs peaceful clayton.
a rommate with different ideas about housekeeping.
and food!
and her schedule is erratic and ive allowed it to throw me off.
tomorrow is monday and i plan to jump back in to MY routine.
including creativity.
im going to try early morning for creating, while shes sleep.
time for art wont appear, i have to make it or take it!.

i feel love

I got this message from an old jr high friend I was chatting with and it hit me hard. 

Everyone knew. How could they not. 

I wasn't allowed to do things other kids were doing. Sleepovers, parties. Gong skating, to the mall. Not me. Not ever. 

It's true I had a wretched relationship with my mother. In 94 she wrote me a letter stating she no longer wanted a relationship with me. 

I had always had a great relationship w my dad. They divorced when I was 6 mos old. In 97, he tried to date her again and I got a phone call saying he no longer wanted a relationship with me but would always love me. Both parents. Different times for different reasons. and we move forward...

Not one more thing!

The pain is unbearable today. I want to scream. 

I haven't liked the last 5 paintings I've done. They ended up being used for practice on the back and into the recycle. 

My honey has car troubles that will keep him away for a week at least. Maybe more. 

The neighbors below complained to sj about my non existent sleep pattern and that it sounded "heavy" aka I'm a fat girl. 

This makes me feel uncomfortable here. She threatened to call the cops. For what? Painting and puking between 2am and 6 am. Sorry. Perhaps you should move upstairs if you don't want noise above you. 

Apartment living is a compromise but essentially you can have the convenience of not having to haul shit upstairs or... You can have quiet. 

I just hate more stress got sj and less comfort for myself. 

Thanks

the plan

i havent always had a plan.
not even an outline.
i just flew by the straps of my boots and went for it.
plowed through, caveman style.
until, the last 5 years.
that whole turning 50 thing got to me and even i...
so rebellious, for a rebel.

and what a silly notion. it doesnt matter what you have planned, the earth never stops turning and inevitably, there will be interruptions. there will even be interruptions to those.
exactly.

its july 3rd. my parents anniversary.
64-69 they used to spend it skiing at sardis lake
2 weeks in a tent with 4 kids. and my grandmother, in july, in mississippi?
were they crazy?
in my mind it was bliss. i was small and carried everywhere because i hated shoes AND sand on my feet. my dad was a different guy there than at home where he was always on call, therefore in sherriff mode. he loved his boat. so did i.
i still miss my dad.
i will spend tomorrow alone. likely sleeping, to keep from thinking.
holidays are only a nuisance when you dont celebrate them.
happy birthday america. im still glad i came back.

Beneath me, still

Easy like....

I gave notice today. My boss said I would do this chemo and be back to work in dec. I said, yes ma'am.

I heard overheard once when I first met her. Talking about a particular employes reference to his job description. She said.... The job description is whatever I tell you to do. So. I will finish chemo and come back to work well. 

This is the best job I've ever had. Working or others, myself included. They've been good to me and it's been even better for me. When barb left, and I went through surgery, we became family. 

I love all these crazy broads. 

My daughter.... Is appropriately freaking out. 

I'm not. I am gonna be fine. It's temporary and I can always have my love whisk me off to the crowne plaza for a night. Heheh

I get an opportunity to rest and paint and figure out what I want to do w  the next 25 years....  And how I'm gonna do it to him! 

I stayed wbsamantha for 3 months while I was still hourly at Faye's. She was delightful and accommodating and tidy. We were very considerate of each  other and it was a lovely experience. That was 4?years ago. My! Time does fly!!

Moving on

Less than 90 days before the chemo is finished and I am whisked off to paradise with my babies in tow. Tow hell. They may be pushing a wheelchair. 

But I doubt it. And if so I don't care. 

I'm still decidedly me, infinitely cool, theunderously funny and.... Ever the archer! 

Work is winding down and I'm making plans to finish my chemo at Samantha's and paint. I've never finished things until paintings and I have no trouble knowing when I am done with them. 

I just want to dream and scheme, fly my kite and paint. I want to love my people and be happy. 

I'm incredibly happy w the job I've done w Faye and..... It's time to move on. 

I'll miss everything about this place. It's been a pleasure and I will never forget my time here.  

Change is hard. I'm sure this next phase will be challenging but I've so much love in my life, I'm prepared for battle. 

Let's do this!

Eating the beast

I picked up some chinese watercolors a while back. Tried them out. Kinda like this results 

Before the meds kick in. ...

Had my first chemo embolization this week. Jetsons operating room, pretty spiffy. They knocked me out and kept me wasted the rest of the day.

I felt ok for about 48 and the pain smacked me down. 

I'm taking the damn meds. Instant release so it shitsmacks pain. And you.

A tiny speck in her hand

gobsmacked

hes better than I thought

We were both naked but I was clothed.

My first small attempt to do a nude w brush only. My boy posed for a pic and ....it's crude, but I like it. Moreover. I liked the afternoon. The exchange. The connection.

The truth

The pain is relentless today. When I opened my eyes at 6:02 it was there. 6 hours later it's still there. I feel defeated on days like this. When it has me. Hurting me and there is nothin I can do. I hold on. Ride it out and remember I can take a pain pill at 8 pm if I need to. . I wish I could show you how it feels to be alone and afraid . And physically being eaten from the inside. 

Tell me you love me now. 

Blast off

Trying to pull all the magic of the universe my way. 

I want to be happy everyday. I want to feel richly grateful for the simplest things. I want each of is to have the happiness we deserve. 

Possible! 

theres this owl

i love living in clayton, so close to the mountain. hearing the bugs and critters. i am a huge stoner (now legal) so i am outside day and night smoking, watching and listening and skygazing. the full moon still makes me feel like a restless teen, hungry to stir up the wicked. purrr

ive noticed some of the same animals over the last... almost 4 years. the same mockingbird who goes through his entire repertoire daily or the blue jay living in the orange tree outside my bedroom door.

so theres this owl... actually 2. ive always heard his hoos and screeches. 2 years ago i began seeing him regularly after he flew over my head and into an old white oak tree. or i began paying attention.

the other owl is down mitchell canyon by the mountain. i see him fly whenever i drive down there. he always lands on telephone poles. as i approach he flys onto the next pole. apparently they like to sleep on top of them. wild.

i guess i never took the time to notice before, that all those same birds, same raccoon and possum that come through every night... were the same ones returning.

how self centered humans are. indeed.

well, well

the agony of being in love

ive met someone.
we began chatting in 97.
off and on over the years.
distance, marriages, divorces.
we met in person last july.
we live 15 minutes apart.
he has a long time live in girlfriend.
i backed away. even though i was attracted.
but he kept on. and wore me down with his charm,
his genuine submission to me
and hes incredibly handsome.
he makes more time for me than any single guy ive met in california.
he makes me very happy...
and at times, the loneliest ive ever been.

Relief

Hearing it could be worse scared the fuck out of me.

But it sure made me grateful to find out it's "only" liver cancer.
And that T A C E can hold it at bay for years. 

Let's do this! 

Ishtar

You awake to find it was no nightmare.

The relentless pain is the reminder. 

You say thank you for opening your eyes to another day. 

You get up and move forward as if

Cover the circles that keep getting darker and seem deeper than just a few months ago. 

You can't believe how time is suspended and in fast forward alternately. 

Some moments hanging with you. Endless seconds on loop. 

Happy Ishtar. I colored eggs... prepared a feast.
Now I need sex and an artful flow from my brush. 

Complete. 

Saturday morning

I feel the ache in my heart. It rises in my throat. It grabs me and shakes me to my core

I want to scream. But no one would hear. 

I ache for the people that love me. 

No one should have to know death is coming. Itey to live each day as if time isn't an issue. But it is. 

Face

fixed!

the 75 year old neighbor stopped by.
you know when they give me that printout at kaiser, it always said "obese" and i thought, i'm gonna do something about that. so next time, i changed my height to 6'5 and that 2 extra inches, made me not obese anymore.

aloe blacc

Beat the devil

I'm so happy with my life, I guess that's the best time for a battle.
When you're up.

Bumps in the road, new adventures.who the bloody fuck will I be when I'm finished with this.
 I'm only a shadow of the girl I once was. Yet, still, just like her.
Time does interesting things to people.

To me. 

What would any of us do for a little more time?

What wouldn't we do? 

i wait

So many facets to training someone well.

So many things you want them to learn, to feel. To know. 

Hunger. Control. Obedience, Devotion.
sacrifice, pain, elation, love and pure dark lust
i need to set you ablaze with a mainline injection.
before you experience the freedom in my control...
you must surrender.
i wait.

way back

pulled this deep out of the xandra vault.

rain and milk

the sky was grey all day today.
the temp was a beautiful 68 with little sun penetrating the clouds.
the night felt magical
so i did a rain dance.
and tonight, it rained. light rain mind you and still 60 degrees.
and of course, i danced in it. thank you!
i love my 50's
i love that ive stopped fighting myself every step
there is such happiness in my life right. such abundance.


i am a little obsessed with being naked outside. privately.
especially my breasts.
i was a flasher from the get go but grew out of that years ago.
though i enjoy having my breasts out of my top,
or out of my bra, just under my blouse,
or out... of a corset, nipples pulled out of my bra, hanging or bouncing, .
mostly...i want them sucked. as much as possible.
i need to lactate and nourish,
i need to feed and smother.
it takes alot of sucking to keep milk.

get busy living.

the days fly by.
so much i want to see,
 to write and to draw
to paint,
 to hear, to taste,
 to feel and to do.

no urgent urgency
just missions.
projects.

love.
for me
for you.
 for every drop
 of this delicious madness
   called existence.

janvier

happy new year! 2014. wow.
i worked through the holidays.
faye has had a decline and communication isnt what it was.
she mentions her mind being messed up almost daily.
its a fight to keep her out of bed in the daytime.
i suspect it is just because shes tired. shes 89 for fucks sake but,
it could be that she just doesnt want to do the wretched things i make her do...
like exercise, work puzzles, paint or walk.
every day a new adventure. right?

ive been painting more. because i enjoy it
and becuase its an excuse not to write.
but im feeling pulled...

im unhappy in my current "its complicated" relationship.
its bringing me down more than up.

i made a few resolutions.
i will share 2.
watchig carefully my sodium intake. and put my happiness before anyone elses. anyone.