august ending

this year has flown by. been off work for 2 month and it seems like years. i miss it so. chemo treatments and constant scans is not a job.

but getting rest and getting well is

i am trying to do that.

i struggle to paint somedays. others it is easy.

writing more than a paragraph is a chore.

so i just write blurbs

i wanted to make it to fall.....

and here we are, after oahu, it will be fall!

Obsessed?

And there's more. Much more. 

robin williams

i was beyond saddened to hear of his death.
 the man was infectiously funny. (i am a particular fan of his voices and inpersonations, loving to mimic people as well.) how could this man who gave so much laughter to so many people have been sad enough to end his life.
i opted for the idea that with such highs, come lows.

i have always considered suicide an arrogant act.
fame made me rethink it years ago.
and illness, i admit has made me consider it (quality vs quantity)
it becomes a more personal decision.
did he want to deteriorate from Parkinsons in front of the world?
or end it on his own terms.
i don't think theres glamour or dignity in any death.
its ugly
and its over.



thanks dear mr williams
i'll look for the laughing star.

fast forward

from aug 3rd


that monday morning landed me in the er
 as it turns out i had an infection, increased ammonia levels and was completely delusional when they let me out of the hospital. i tried to tell the nurse. they only hear what insurance tells them to do i guess. so it took 2 days and alot of work to get back to ok and im still.... questioing .
delusions seem so real.
then i find out the meds i was on... dilaudid, cause delusions. gee thanks doc!
luckily in my upset... i ripped up the prescription for more of this medication.
i think it was the sanest move i made.... but i probabaly looked the craziest then.

i feel good today. i feel happy and grateful for the lovely people in my life. more bullshit to catch up on and then hopefully... i can paint tomorrow.
heard this gem on the radio the other day...