days later....

that monday morning landed me in the er
 as it turns out i had an infection, increased ammonia levels and was completely delusional when they let me out of the hospital. i tried to tell the nurse. they only hear what insurance tells them to do i guess. so it took 2 days and alot of work to get back to ok and im still.... questioing .
delusions seem so real.
then i find out the meds i was on... dilaudid, cause delusions. gee thanks doc!
luckily in my upset... i ripped up the prescription for more of this medication.
i think it was the sanest move i made.... but i probabaly looked the craziest then.

i feel good today. i feel happy and grateful for the lovely people in my life. more bullshit to catch up on and then hoefully... i can paint tomorrow.
heard this gem on the radio the other day...

adjustments.

i have such amazing people around me.
they are few, but steadfast and mighty.
sj and i are are trying to work out the kinks of our situation.
im dealing with the noise of the city vs peaceful clayton.
a rommate with different ideas about housekeeping.
and food!
and her schedule is erratic and ive allowed it to throw me off.
tomorrow is monday and i plan to jump back in to MY routine.
including creativity.
im going to try early morning for creating, while shes sleep.
time for art wont appear, i have to make it or take it!.

i feel love

I got this message from an old jr high friend I was chatting with and it hit me hard. 

Everyone knew. How could they not. 

I wasn't allowed to do things other kids were doing. Sleepovers, parties. Gong skating, to the mall. Not me. Not ever. 

It's true I had a wretched relationship with my mother. In 94 she wrote me a letter stating she no longer wanted a relationship with me. 

I had always had a great relationship w my dad. They divorced when I was 6 mos old. In 97, he tried to date her again and I got a phone call saying he no longer wanted a relationship with me but would always love me. Both parents. Different times for different reasons. and we move forward...

Not one more thing!

The pain is unbearable today. I want to scream. 

I haven't liked the last 5 paintings I've done. They ended up being used for practice on the back and into the recycle. 

My honey has car troubles that will keep him away for a week at least. Maybe more. 

The neighbors below complained to sj about my non existent sleep pattern and that it sounded "heavy" aka I'm a fat girl. 

This makes me feel uncomfortable here. She threatened to call the cops. For what? Painting and puking between 2am and 6 am. Sorry. Perhaps you should move upstairs if you don't want noise above you. 

Apartment living is a compromise but essentially you can have the convenience of not having to haul shit upstairs or... You can have quiet. 

I just hate more stress got sj and less comfort for myself. 

Thanks

the plan

i havent always had a plan.
not even an outline.
i just flew by the straps of my boots and went for it.
plowed through, caveman style.
until, the last 5 years.
that whole turning 50 thing got to me and even i...
so rebellious, for a rebel.

and what a silly notion. it doesnt matter what you have planned, the earth never stops turning and inevitably, there will be interruptions. there will even be interruptions to those.
exactly.

its july 3rd. my parents anniversary.
64-69 they used to spend it skiing at sardis lake
2 weeks in a tent with 4 kids. and my grandmother, in july, in mississippi?
were they crazy?
in my mind it was bliss. i was small and carried everywhere because i hated shoes AND sand on my feet. my dad was a different guy there than at home where he was always on call, therefore in sherriff mode. he loved his boat. so did i.
i still miss my dad.
i will spend tomorrow alone. likely sleeping, to keep from thinking.
holidays are only a nuisance when you dont celebrate them.
happy birthday america. im still glad i came back.