you know that ghost is me

"the women ive known i wouldnt let tie my shoes"

decembers end

where the day takes you...

today. i feel okay
not great, but okay.
the week between christmas and new years
is awkward.
i am pensive.
so much to say, to do.
time flies much too quickly these days.
thinking of starting a vlog for sj.
for all the little things i wnt to tell her but fear i dont have the time.
will it just be sad to look at once i am gone.
should i encourage her to linger and think of me.
im not sure.

im glad its over

i will not undertake a big holiday meal ever again
all day in the kitchen and no sit down meal just
cook. eat. cook. cook. nibble.
no no no.
i dont feel like i had a holiday at all. side from the presents,
which totally rocked.
happy to get back tomorrow and get some rest.

"another puts a dozen white roses on her grave"

i will never understand humans.
women are evil and men confuse the shit out of me.
what do you want from me?
just fucking tell me already.

into the mist...

theres a pale moon in the sky

five oh!

my birthday week was pretty amazing.
had a mini adventure with my kids.
got some really great gifts.
new stereo for the black bitch. 
lovely leather coat.
that fucking ring. (it only took a year)

there was some sadness and a little anxiety.
zac got a picture message from home that was quite disturbing .
he said he shouldve never seen it
i agree.
these folks are seriously disturbed.

i felt good. looked great and im happy
despite the memphis bleach leaagues attempts to disrupt zacs focus.
all he had to do was have fun.
i believe he did.
its funny how hes suprised at how i act, speak, even dress.
my, what has he been told?
i dont speak of them to him unless its a kind reference to his "family"
love it.
knew if i kept my mouth shut theyd hang themselves.
its fun to be right.

50 does feel a bit different.
perspective, attitude, philosophy are all affected by years and experience gained.
truth is i didnt think id see this birthday.neither did dr reinking
i feel good. maybe ive got another year?!

evil christian cunt

i thought you were beautiful
i loved your face and smile
your voice and mannerisms.
you betrayed and i forgave

you tried unsuccessfully to turn my daughter against me
and when she didnt
you lost it. didnt you?
bet you looked crazy throwin shit around your front yard
screaming like a maniac when the cops told you to pick it up.

severed a mothers ties.
and this is unforgivable.
i wish nothing for you
no good, no bad.
just a big empty void in your
heartless fucking soul.

blood revisited

got this with a text from mr blood.

apparently neils burned down a few months ago.

its official. memphis is dead.

and blood confessed to stealing this pic when we were "shithammered"

oh the memories...

skateaway. thats all.

i turn 50 tomorrow.
wont my mum be suprised?
im sending a big purple bouquet
with a card that says something smart ass.
havent decided exactly what tho.
i use samantha as a social filter,
otherwise id say what i think or feel and
offend someone. :::gasp:::
i lived to do this, most of my life.

heading out in the morning with the kids
reno bound.
tahoe on the 7th.
its so nice after all these years
to be able to throw  a little money at some fun.
and im so excited to be with my babies in tahoe...............
the most beautiful place ive been.
and ive been round.
tahoe is breathtaking.

before

1969

i just turned 8. this was my favorite dress. i was a pretty happy kid here. i was full of wonder that only exists before the world begins to show how truly ugly it can be.

by next christmas, the whole world would turn upside down.

this was before i found out there was no santa claus. before i broke my teeth. before the pregnancy that turned my mother into a screaming lunatic and brought my little brother. before the rape that was so clear, but now seems like fog with details.

ya ol dumb

you couldve been a hero,
made dreams come true.
i thought of you
but thats what you did too.

"black pools in those eyes of hers made more sense to me"

i should be sleeping.
i cant.
it feels wrong to lie down so early.
i sure felt good after getting a good nights rest
so its surely something in my life that needs restructuring.

i'm pissy.
i got a bill from the pcip insurance this eve.
428.00 for jan. due dec 15th.
and btw since you turn 50 in december,
that raises your premium 82.00
awesome thanks.
i hate giving up the ass like that.
bend over bitch.
evil

other than that,
im glad to be here another day. ass fucked or not.
amazed at the starry sky tonight.
delighted with how the day turned out...
all projects begun are finished.
good day
good night

shit ton of pics coming tomorrow.

in and out just like a robbery

so much happening and on the horizon.
move groove and make some noise i am.
(and when i cant... she does it for me.)
next week zac coming.
big five oh about to spank my ass.
im excited.
then christmas and new years and smathys bday and then..................
i can relax .
truly. i have two major events. my 50 th and my death.
they hang over my head as nothing ever has.
and
i have expectations for both.
but at my core what truly haunts me is finding a love to fuel me
to live another 20 years.
im sure ive survived this long (against my best efforts)
on sheer spite.
trying to shake the recurring family curse of "you wont live to see____.
fill in the blank. the first i heard was 15 i believe.
keep this up and you wont live to see 15.
my sister told me years after that when i ws 25 she wouldnt have given a nickel for my life.

stupid little girls

recently ive had a couple of emails on collarme from young, blonde, attractive, 24yo females from ohio.
i find it curious tht any such female would be too busy answering the barrage of email of her own without finding time to seek out and insult an older, fat chick.

dont think i dont know its you!!
judgemental child.
didnt your daddy hug you enough?
no one cares what you dont like.
do you really have nothing better to do than lurk me out and insult me?
seriously?
havent you gotten in trouble for this before? hmmm?

its been awhile.

been so busy lately.
i give til im dry.
i need to replenish my juices
cause im runnin on fumes.
i need a steak and a good fuck.

"no connections
come here
will you die for me
eat me
this way
the end." excerpt from a poem by jim morrison

humped, jumped, born to suffer

drawing, writing, photographing or editing. trying to do something creative everyday.

here is my favorite face to photograph... shes always available!

fresh out of the shower, naked and still damp.

no bells or whistles and NO makeup.

i find people quite difficult to capture with a camera.

working on a bad georgia okeefe knockoff in pastel.

i want color!

i just need to find a medium that gets the result i want, even if its mixed.

but i feel an urgency.

its all preparation though... isnt it?

the sharp knife of a short life

apparently this song has been out for a year but, i just heard it.

just throw money

its no lie ive had an interesting ride. it would shock some and disgust others. but i arrived here, today, an honest woman, open-minded, nurturing and compassionate, loving and forgiving to my detriment at times. i made some odd choices, fell on my ass alot. but i believe everything ive been and done, makes me who i am. the world hasnt been a very gentle place, but its made me a gentle person. and i love who i am.

delta lady

the delta is spoken of often in memphis. everyone knows the mississipi delta and that its blues rich and robert johnson sold his soul to the devil at the crossroads in greenwood. its not far from clarksdale.
its true ive been obsessed with leon russell for about a year and a half.
delta lady.
ive listened to it and watched the leon and friends vid dozens of times and hearing him say..."fertile delta" a few weeks ago got my curiosity to so i looked up "delta" according to answers.com
(dĕl'tə)
n. The fourth letter of the Greek alphabet. An object shaped like a triangle. A usually triangular alluvial deposit at the mouth of a river.
which immediately makes me think of ............the luscious triangle atop a womans thighs.



gonna tell all the world that hes talking about .... pussy.

blood in blood out

if he thought for one second we didnt miss him every single day... all that was laid to rest quickly.
he will never know how it hurt, how it ached every moment i wasnt with him. how i regret thin king someone was better for him than me. how i died a little everyday in those years we were apart. how she hurt, and blamed herself for all of it.
the madness is over
hes my son again.

and i cause nothing but trouble....

all that was there... will be there still

baaa

do people need to believe in fairy tales....

such as...

they're in a better place.
i know i'll see them again.
and i just think....
are you stupid?
did you question?
do some research?
or did you baaaa
like a sheep and take what they gave you.

i spit that shit out.
back in their face.
dr you and reverend who
heres a big fat cock for you!

hello november

october came and went.... quickly.
the year has literally whipped past...
halloweens madness has turned instantly
to thoughts of holidays and family
and the rapidly approaching big five oh!
company coming this weekend and the next.
zac coming the first week of december.
busier and busier!
halloween week was crazy busy but alot of fun.
sjs costume turned out great.

and faye was a real sport for letting me wrap her in tissue!

yea, fuck you

im shaking off the cobwebs of my remaining bits of grief. coming about. its taken some time to get past, this last bit. but i feel good and im moving forward. regardless of how my body screams for me to stop. it has forsaken me.and i dont listen to it anymore.

gagaween

hilarious

yes bitch

we had a lovely time. took lots of pictures.
you will not see them here.
wonder! i did for fuckin years, you thieving cunt.

was that harsh?
nah!
ive always felt the punishment should fit the crime.
you stole a father from his daughter.
and a mother from her son.
SHAME ON YOU!!
if your god is real...
how will you answer for that one?

still surfing

it comes in waves.
it crashes, cold and shocking
taking my breath and
when it leaves, i'm afraid
then sadness,
pure sadness remains
and it washes over me.
and leaks out my eyes.
all i do is ride the waves of emotion.

fireflies or flashbulbs?

hello pessimism

theres a sadness that comes with being fucked up and thinking life is kicking the shit out of you and being sober and KNOWING that it is.

not for me

it should be no suprise that i am single as i near the end of my life.
men have run screaming from me for years.
numerous failed relationships
2 divorces
zac choosing to live w his dad
2 deceased fathers
estranged from my big brother (this time) since 90.
damn... the numbers werent with me.
perhaps it has little to do with me.

proud lil monster

the big question

im angry.
after all ive been through,
all i have survived.
to lose my life to lack of proper healthcare....
is absurd.
i had no healthcare for 9 year.
had it for a year
and lost it wheni got a good job.
6 months after i lost it they said.... "oh, you couldve paid 150 a month and kept it.
but its too late now. didnt anyone tell you that?" bloody fuck no they didnt.
now..................
do you live broke and homeless or die with money?

seasons of wither

again i am battling change fiercely
hating that i must swallow the newness being shoved down my ruby throat
surrender myself to the fact that change is inevitable
and as much as i hate sifting through a sea of shit to find one noble servant...
i must.
vital parts of me exist through domination.
without them... i will surely wither this fall.

fuck you

dont think i dont know about you.
i know you watch.
a little too closely.
she'd die if she knew.
another toothpick......
you piece of shit bitch
dont think i dont know that the fetish is control...
of the leather,
finding it
buying it
cinching, zipping, lacing it,
the tightness of it,
smoothed to perfection
over the skin.
ha. you KNOW i'm talkin about you now.
i dont regret you.
didnt need you
fuckin idiot....
theres one born every minute!

youve gotta learn to live with what ya cant rise above...

random shots f rom san francisco and berkeley spetembers end 2011

better than here

if i werent so sad
i'd be so happy
if i could do it all over again
i would
if there was somewhere better than here
i would run
hard and fast
but i'd wait for dark
i prefer moonlight to the blazing sun

everywhere

mid september.
my the days fly
i stand still
and watch the world scream by.
dizzy merry go round
i feel sad and powerless to stop the locomotive moving in my little family's direction.
the only thing i know to do
is to leave little traces of myself here and there.
a note, a letter, a drawing. blog or photgraph.
look around.

i'll be everywhere.

beautiful black calla lily

the seriousness of your condition

another wince another try
another trip to the er.
another iv.
another varicie.
another bleed,
oh yes indeed,
another doctor warning me...
as to the seriousness of my condition.
another worry
scream and cry
another tear drops from my eye
another day
im gone away
for good

be yourself is all that you can do.....

took about 70 pics.deleted 64. got a few.

love this one. the original too.

cool summer nights

august is blasting by...
july was a blur.
ive definitely had some summer fun..
and a couple of burnt missions.
i feel like summer in the diablo valley hasnt come yet.
this means we'll be sweating into late october?... maybe?
but right now... its 80's. cool nights in the low 6o's.
my clock is so out of whack.
so i'm nesting... already.

stripped wallpaper. painting.

im thinking i need dark red curtains........... why?
ive no idea.

next time you see her

nic

i hope one day youll forgive me

for doing nothing

staying stuck

you were so young

i should have been an adult.

i am sorry for all the madness

i exposed you to.

i regret all the things i didn’t do.

the times i didn’t kiss you,

didn’t make love to you.

i wish i had hurt you on purpose,

instead of unintentionally.

i was such a fucked up mess.

so lost i couldn’t see.

i wish id gotten help sooner.

i did.

and its been 10 years since…..

i hope youre happy.

i hope you found someone

who deserves you and

will make sure

that you stay laughing.

always

from 7-19-11

this time im not leaving without you

the powers that be

i wish i could purge all the emotion at once
instead of it leaking
from eyes at every turn.
ive never been more of a prisoner of my thoughts
ripping and clawing to get free is futile.
it has me
this knowing
this obsession
only i get it.
it eats my guts
swirls my reality.
in essence...
i think too much.
i need only relax.
breathe.
i reel myself in
away from you.
i opened my life
like a book
let you all watch and read along
piece by piece
i shut it down
take it away
remove myself.
id like to be more focused
and less concentrated.

berkeley kite fest 11

graphic! beware!

e

bubble gum flavored sponge. yes, sponge

one of these in each arm. fml

my bloody urine compared to sjs.

this is why i called 911. was trying to convince myself i had eaten beets.

feeling better.