you know that ghost is me

"the women ive known i wouldnt let tie my shoes"

decembers end

where the day takes you...

today. i feel okay
not great, but okay.
the week between christmas and new years
is awkward.
i am pensive.
so much to say, to do.
time flies much too quickly these days.
thinking of starting a vlog for sj.
for all the little things i wnt to tell her but fear i dont have the time.
will it just be sad to look at once i am gone.
should i encourage her to linger and think of me.
im not sure.

im glad its over

i will not undertake a big holiday meal ever again
all day in the kitchen and no sit down meal just
cook. eat. cook. cook. nibble.
no no no.
i dont feel like i had a holiday at all. side from the presents,
which totally rocked.
happy to get back tomorrow and get some rest.

"another puts a dozen white roses on her grave"

i will never understand humans.
women are evil and men confuse the shit out of me.
what do you want from me?
just fucking tell me already.

into the mist...

theres a pale moon in the sky

five oh!

my birthday week was pretty amazing.
had a mini adventure with my kids.
got some really great gifts.
new stereo for the black bitch. 
lovely leather coat.
that fucking ring. (it only took a year)

there was some sadness and a little anxiety.
zac got a picture message from home that was quite disturbing .
he said he shouldve never seen it
i agree.
these folks are seriously disturbed.

i felt good. looked great and im happy
despite the memphis bleach leaagues attempts to disrupt zacs focus.
all he had to do was have fun.
i believe he did.
its funny how hes suprised at how i act, speak, even dress.
my, what has he been told?
i dont speak of them to him unless its a kind reference to his "family"
love it.
knew if i kept my mouth shut theyd hang themselves.
its fun to be right.

50 does feel a bit different.
perspective, attitude, philosophy are all affected by years and experience gained.
truth is i didnt think id see this birthday.neither did dr reinking
i feel good. maybe ive got another year?!

evil christian cunt

i thought you were beautiful
i loved your face and smile
your voice and mannerisms.
you betrayed and i forgave

you tried unsuccessfully to turn my daughter against me
and when she didnt
you lost it. didnt you?
bet you looked crazy throwin shit around your front yard
screaming like a maniac when the cops told you to pick it up.

severed a mothers ties.
and this is unforgivable.
i wish nothing for you
no good, no bad.
just a big empty void in your
heartless fucking soul.

blood revisited

got this with a text from mr blood.

apparently neils burned down a few months ago.

its official. memphis is dead.

and blood confessed to stealing this pic when we were "shithammered"

oh the memories...

skateaway. thats all.

i turn 50 tomorrow.
wont my mum be suprised?
im sending a big purple bouquet
with a card that says something smart ass.
havent decided exactly what tho.
i use samantha as a social filter,
otherwise id say what i think or feel and
offend someone. :::gasp:::
i lived to do this, most of my life.

heading out in the morning with the kids
reno bound.
tahoe on the 7th.
its so nice after all these years
to be able to throw  a little money at some fun.
and im so excited to be with my babies in tahoe...............
the most beautiful place ive been.
and ive been round.
tahoe is breathtaking.

before

1969

i just turned 8. this was my favorite dress. i was a pretty happy kid here. i was full of wonder that only exists before the world begins to show how truly ugly it can be.

by next christmas, the whole world would turn upside down.

this was before i found out there was no santa claus. before i broke my teeth. before the pregnancy that turned my mother into a screaming lunatic and brought my little brother. before the rape that was so clear, but now seems like fog with details.