the dreams of reality emerge without a flaw... somewhere

fucking facebook

so you find friends and they have friends and inevitably... something pops up on your page that says....you may know (insert name).

and there it is. youre looking at the name of the creep you were head over heels with when you were 12. the picture is distant and unclear, but they are friends with (insert name) and you KNOW its them. a knot forms in your throat.

you spiral back.....

you were 12 ... he was six fucking teen. he was friends with your girl friends brother and was around often. you were afraid to go all the way

you remember...

one day you arrive and he is there. you are a kid with a crush and want to bask in him whatever he wants to do. he asks you to play pool.. so you follow him into the attic room. the door is closed behind you and blocked with some sort of beam. there are 4 of them and one of you. he coaxes and you follow and you may even lie down with him on a mattress on the floor. maybe he kisses you and before you know it your pants are being tugged at by someone else and your hands are pinned.

you cant believe its happening.

soon your panties are gone and all you can see when you look down are your nipples, peeking from where your shirt is open and your bra has been pulled away. you re already humiliated

and then... they begin. and you go numb

they put things inside you. 2 holding you down and one performing. perhaps they take turns. it becomes blurry. someone cums on your stomach. youve never seen, smelled or felt sperm before and it is distinct.

you want to cry. you feel betrayed. foolish

you want to run.

and you will.

far away

and for years

you make decisions that will change your life based on this one event.

you never forget.

you thank the stars your girl friend bangs on the door.

they leave.

you wipe the spooge on the mattress and get your clothes on with tears streaming quietly down your face. when you open the door to daylight, he is there next to his 55 chevy and when he speaks...his legend crumbles at his feet.

you dont tell your dad.

why?

because hes a cop. because he wont arrest them.

he will take his gun and shoot them all fucking dead and will go to jail.

so

you close your mouth.

but you are never the same.

you will question years later if this complete loss of control is what led you to professionally control others sexually and punish their perversions, while indulging your own.

give a little bit

i am so excited!!
i will be buying a new car in the next few weeks. but that isnt the best part.
a couple of months ago i realized i may not need the money from the sale of my car to purchase a new one and immediately i knew what i wanted to do with the car.
veronica is a young single mom who grew up in foster and never got a break in her life. she never grumbles, works hard and her daughter is always neat as a pin and terribly cute. if anyone deserves a little bit of help.... its vernie! this was samanthas family. when i arrived, it was like i already knew them...love these two.

ofelia is old, has no shocks but has been good to me, kept me safe and got me to a better station with a better job... etc. i only hope it will do that for veronica.
sj did my taxes today. she got me back a nice chunk... so... its time to tell veronica. *squeals* ive been holding this secret since november. lol had thanksgiving and xmas dinner with her and didnt want to say anything yet.
i told sj to break the news.
i know i could donate to a place and get a tax break... but truth is, this is local... and i can see the results. thats beats money any damn day.

the good advice of brother otis

your hands are cold but your lips are warm

some things you cant plan
after months of aggravation. peace talks and intense, uninhibited sex. ive realized i'm in love.
it isnt that ive dropped, but have found a spot im so comfortable with and its one i never wouldve guessed.
roleplay bleeding into mundane lines i havent crossed in decades.
totally wicked white hot!
he...is totally frustrating at times because in fact he's still a child. (which is.. part of the draw) and i often want to shake him til he shits....
but he totally gets me and appeciates all the xandraness i exude.
when someone drives a couple of hours to spend literal moments with you.... well. im thinking hes in love too.
we like too many of the same things and sync on so many levels its sickening. its been a constant struggle with this peter pan.
he balks again...... i'll kill him. languidly.
be jealous
thx. you can vomit now. bye
xo ~x

alta faye

lady faye got her back brace removed. a miserable piece of armor she wore like a trooper but fucking hated! shes healthier than i am. on almost no medication. she was sharp as a tack today. (this is good for both of us).
mind you... 95% of the time she asks me what we, she, is doing. tonight .. when she was ready for bed and i mentioned brushing her teeth she shook her head and said "No." i said "yes ma'am"
i love this gal... we'll be ride or die!!

i found this as i was going through one of the piles. she was such a beauty. i suspect this was from the 40's.

i feel good about being here. we will both benefit from being hurled into each others lives. shes laidback and uber cool.. she never comes to my part of the house until i tell her to. she has a lovely home that needed some attention... so does she.

from 1/14.

every time i see you it cost me another heartache

i ran away so often in my youth that they finally got rid of my "things".
i have very little from my childhood or school years. some faded memories of fingerbanging my best friend in 5th grade, fevered outdoor fucks and lots of acid and cannabis.
whats changed? theres no clean acid to be had and i fuck in a bed now..

over the years i have moved cross country, or out of it. so most of what i possess, i carry within. although samantha begged me for years to come back to california and get a little house in carmel. maybe.
maybe i'll have an idea of my own... right now im thinking clayton is good.
a cute car...
a new smile.
my ongoing battle with weight and gravity has me very happy. the atmosphere in clayton must be great for shape shifting... perhaps life morphing.
skydiving? ziplinging in costa rica? horseback riding on a beach in cabo? wonder what daring adventure the meditteranean holds??
id be happy to go snorkeling... anywhere.

we're holding out in a fortress of mirrors, you know.

sifting through a mountain of rubbish... my vintage find

the new girl came. she is a weird girl.. but who isnt doing this work. elise is thin and dark. beautiful smile. nice butt, is unsure of her 30 year old self. still living at home with dad and spending weekends as a caregiver for the last 5 years. 

both our lives are about to change.  she saw the room i emptied for her and decided it was a little creepy, shed just sleep on the couch on her days.oook.no problem here. its true i have the kickass room, with bath and private entrance but hey, it was creepy too until i filled it with sandraness. its the total sandra cave. i'm still tweaking it but... this place rocks.

i sure wish my lady would sleep. i'm feeling pretty good tho. if all goes well, i'd love to be sliding out for a getaway but truth is .. i will likely be held up having an awesome fuck fest with the fave cause thats what we do. no ones fault, just fact.

i think its a little cold for lassen or yosemite.

not a video.. but i dig this band. its elijah allmans band. strong vocal. is it any wonder?

and the wire seems to be the only place for me

my little job is kickin my ass today. im earning every effin (trying not to f~bomb) dollar!
my lady is a tad more aware, but will twist and climb and get herself in a pickle in 2 seconds. just like a toddler.

i have a massive amount of documents to go through...

i just saw a box with a wad of papers inside labeled 1986, all strapped up with (probably sticky) rubber bands,
the whole lot of it smells of dust and sadly.... cat

i went through 2 boxes today. maybe 200 pens. after the first dozen didnt work... i assumed the rest didnt either. plus they were hella old cheap advert pens. pens are way spiffier today. there was loads of old office supplies. fuck old, they were ancient. some were cool. others.... eww.

this old mopar paper clip was pretty intresting. it has a hole on back to hang it on a nail or something.

i found this inside. tiny little chanel no 5. my boss told me to get rid of all perfumes as my client is sensitive to them . it wouldnt open. there is only  1/4 inch of very dark (concentrated) brown oil remaining. 35 years? the glass top has fused with the bottle.

i found purses, that were too brittle to open. others an abomination to handbags everywhere. all kept in plastic grocery bags. i found bags of afghans that the plastic bag disintegrated when i touched it... and blankets so scratchy and horrid... a homeless person wouldnt use them. plastic bags upon bags with m ore plastc bags and one closet full of coat hangers and you guessed it. a garbage bag full of boxes of 30 gallon trash bags.12 boxes in all.

im very happy to be a gypsy.

all she keeps inside, isnt on the label

in the beginning, i wanted to make this blog a place for me to....say what i wanted, uncensored. but thats never been the case. from sj to zed. i'm always conscious.
with that said.....
heres 25 things about me

1. I attended 11 different schools in 10 years.
2. I am extremely claustrophobic.
3. I have immense patience with animals and people, but almost none for traffic or electronics.
4. I have an odd obsession with Leon Russell.
5. I've had 8 piercings, now all removed.
6. I get motion sick when i drive.
7. I get a little too excited at the produce market.
8. The piercing i had for 8 years left a prominent scar on my bottom lip.
9. I was raised wiccan and went to parochial schools.
10. I was expelled from 2 schools in 2 states in one (school) year.
11. I change professions every 10-12 years.
12. I look just like my mother.
13. I quote movies throughout the day. keep up!
14. I once woke my kids @ 2am to play in the snow.
15. I believe fresh air is good for sick people.
16. I can feel the moon getting full.
17. I drink water 95% of the time.
18. I have lived in anchorage and key west.
19. I traveled with the carnival in the folly of youth.
20. I was arrested in 1978 for selling tshirts at a zztop concert. (was my dad pissed!)
21. I am fascinated with birds, bugs and the awesomeness of the sky.
22. I became an ordained minister in 2005;  for 15 bucks so can you!
23. I left chicagoland in 87, but still miss it to this day.
24. I work with dementia patients.
25. I am living with cirrohsis. proof you can drink enough whiskey to float a battleship around and live to tell about it...

happy new year...2011

at 11:11 this morning i made a wish. i dont know the exact time cause i wasnt paying attention to the time... but i think it was round 11:11 pm that i got my wish.

i was a little blue earlier today.
january generally gives me the blues but not until the 20th or so.
truth is i was feeling a little disconnected and lonely today.
new job new place. missing sj. wondering what turn my life will take next. missing my loveslave. worrying about making too much money and losing my healthcare (ridiculous i should even have to be concerned w/this),and a crappy internet connection...

i feel better.