Aquatic hell

Have been so busy and stressed out about these damn jellyfish skirts. It took way more fabrication (as history would have it) than I expected; coupled with the fact I'm doing 2 costumes. Ahhh! I don't have time to feel bad, but boy am I swollen. I can put my feet up Saturday but all I want to do is paint. Makes sense.

I love things I can't have. 

It's 309 am and I am done w the biggest part. Lots to do tomorrow. Lights and tentacles and I WILL get them both done by 7pm. Now. I'm gonna sleep for a bit. 

even you

obsessed with this song right now......

the fitful dreams

im going to a different doctor

i plan to only accept palliative care

the chemo is not curative.

theres no chance for transplant because the cancer markers 

(signs of spreading) are off the charts.

no chance for removing the tumor because of the cirrohsis.

i am dying. whether i want to or not.

i shsould get to choose how. 

i will choose how long i suffer and see my family sufffer.

its already taking its toll on them.

once i know its in my hands, i can rest easier.

bleh

ive felt like garbage for the last 3 days.
called the doc and they are starting scans before the next chemo. argh!
im ready to be done. back to work, grateful to be there.
i feel like lucas in "empire records', grafted to the couch, in some form.

things with samantha have smoothed over.
shes been asking if im ok, says she doent want to get desensitized to it.
i told her i can deal with the pain, just keep making me laugh.
she does a fantaatic job of that. sos did her dad. very funny guy.
i just wish zed was around one every cpl weeks to give me a hug and tell me itll be ok.
it will.

im not worried. im just tired of feeling like ass.
anyone can undesrstand that.

best snorkeling, sharks cove

Oahu

I didn't take a ton of pics. I will never forget. Will I!?

lainikai beach. absolutely beautiful, peaccful. warms

and warm water!

manoa falls. well worth the hike. my poor kids. is was rough on them. this was after, smiling because i made it up the devils straircase. coming down was worse, it was muddy and misty and i just felt like i was being drug down a mountain because they insisted on holding my hand like im 5. i finally said let go, and ill grab your hand when i need it. much better. this put me in bed the next day.lol old ass!

this was the beach closest to the condo. it wasnt as well kept, but was great for a toke and the sunset. even swimming. no crowds at all.

theyll never take me alive!

finally thinking i will live through this chemo. still got my hair.

my chubby thighs and a returning sex drive!(10 days after chemo)

 i should get the results of the chemo by halloween.

i am trying  to take back the nite and quit feeling so old.

somedays, like im dead already.

i just want to live. enjoy and love as much as i can until i cant.

so it is my intention to return to work dec 10. cut any further chemo if this roud doesnt work and move on when its time.

ive battled demons.

overcome addictions,

toxic people,

twisted fuckers,

my own self destructive tendencies. 

i think i can take a out a bit of cancer. 

dont you?