alone i keep the wolves at bay

i feel scattered, unfocused and pensive. i dont know if its my raging pausal moans (perimenopausal hormones)but i feel terribly nostalgic. im trying to recount and remember in a way i never have before. generally i am not a person who looks back.
perhaps i just realize that im not bloody immortal. because i dont really feel old. i just feel like ive been here a long time.

couple of images

memorial weekend

memorial weekend 1979, somewhere in wisconsin
i couldnt get the weekend off so i quit my job to go camping with my friends. such are the priorities of a 17 year old living on her own. (altho i quit a crap paying job for a tip income job, which turned out to be perrrfect for me)
i believe i rode with sue jackson and possibly kathy fosdale, we gathered in the parking lot of the spruce inn when it closed, cars packed and ready to roll. and we did, in a caravan of cars and vans. we screamed at each other out the windows and i recall, sucking on a bottle of wine the whole way there. mateus or boones farm, i dont remember which.
i didnt have a tent. i gypsied the weekend. i had a cooler full of food, plenty of liqour and my charm. i dont think i slept any of the three days. i ate lots of acid, drank an ungodly amount of booze and smoked my weight in cannabis. i was in a motorcycle crash (burned calf was the only injury i sustained), a wet tshirt contest and helped a psychopath in a head dress campaign for the presidency. it was awesome madness.
is it any wonder my feet are burning for the road?

jupiters plight

being a sagittarius, which is ruled by jupiter (and dont i feel it)i absolutely love this song by train.

i saw pat monohan in an interview.. he said his mom had passed and one night he awoke with these words... "shes back in the atomosphere" and said he knew she was out there.

stoked.

ive been at this job since sept 09. since october, i have not had a 24 shift off. 7 months now.
i have bitten, scratched, clawed and put my foot down and i will have a 24 hr break this weekend. i cant wait. dont know exactly what im gonna do yet, but have numerous ideas. i do know i dont want to sleep unless i have to. i want to watch the sun come up... some where. i want to go on an early morning hike. crazy huh? i used to do it when i was younger but there was always mescaline involved. i think i can drag the fave along but, if not, ill go it alone.
just a couple of pics from the week. see that snail.... not nearly clear enough. it could be i moved while snapping the pic, or i need a spiffier cam. i would love to be able to take clear pics of bugs, which i find odd. but... how long since i was close to a grasshopper... not since i was a kid.
xoxo ~x

plenty of fish

the reason there are plenty of fish... is because most need to be thrown back. lets take a look.

there was the guy who said he didnt smoke, but had ashes on his clothes and reeked of nicotene.

there was the quiet guy who was disappointed when i didnt "take him" right away.

the guy who was clearly 15-20 years older than the pic he posted. that hair is not blonde babe... its silver!

my personal fave was the guy who wanted to save gas, so he drove 55 until we were going downhill and then didnt want to use the brakes to get the most of the coast. so on the offramp it was death ride 2010 with him comforting me, "heres the scary part, hold on. " he told me all his shirts were custom made... and you wont spend a quarter to hit the fuckin brakes. mercy!

chemistry is important, but it doesnt mean shit when everything else is off. i tried this regular dating thing and the truth is... id take a sweet submissive guy whos aware of his kinks for one that hasnt a clue what he likes or hides it from me. self awareness is important.

so to alex and m~ rest easy. be proud of yourselves for getting how bloody brilliant and wicked lustful i am!
xoxo x

she waves

closing doors

i found out recently that an old friend of mine died in a car accident, leaving a 10 year old son. worse... it happened 18 years ago. i felt like a schmuck. it set my mind on fire.

first off i thought... wow im a shitty friend. i just moved away from cathy and closed the door behind me. i thought of her, but i never looked back.

i began looking at other relationships; my family, friends, loves. one day, i move on and i close the door. no wonder the people i once knew well want little to do with me now. i was so reckless with others hearts that way. i used to think often about how my parents must have felt... my dads anyway, worrying, wondering where i was and if i was safe, or even alive. but ive never entertained the fact that my siblings may have been hurt. pissed yes, but hurt; the thought never occurred to me.

truth is my leaving so young wasnt about anyone else. it was about me and my search for freedom, truth, knowledge, passion and the exploration of them all. i left because i felt like i would suffocate if i didnt.

in loving memory of Cathy Montleon 1961-1992

mothers day

i had a lovely mothers day. had brunch and laughs with samantha who had killer gifts for me (she always does). heard from zed and even tho i have been unable to reach her, i sent flowers to my sisters house for my mother. last i heard she had a cottage on the sis's property. i hope she got them, and the card. i told her what id want her to know if the sky fell tomorrow. im glad i sent it. happy mothers day jo!

i wrote an email last night to my boss. i felt it would either get me fired, or help me out. it helped. i am valuable to them and if they slack, ill be on top of it.
thanks iggy. i am unwilling to eat anyones sh!t!

tomorrow is a year since jessiekitty passed. its been on my mind for a week and ive welled up several times thinking about it. all the best to joe on this painful anniversary. so much has changed in my life in the past year. i hope that some of the changes thrust upon him have brought positive results.

cinco de my ass

what started as a great idea took on a new life as a "the burnt mission from hell".
i had wednesday aft off and was to meet samantha at her place. i headed over and she had saved my usual parking spot. more on that later.
i suggested we go for a cinco de mayo celebration and try a mexican place in walnut creek. i had a coupon, which didnt add up to much, but would at least get us to try a new place. we went. it was small. it was dead. and there was an organ playing way too loudly for a place of its size.
we decided... eff this lets go to our reg place.
we said we had to leave, and made our escape, samantha was trying to be cool. she said my laugh was killing the game. i just couldnt stop. we walked to the car laughing... and headed for the next destination.
we see la pinata two or three times in our circling for a spot and find one that was tight and on a heavy traffic trek, right at the light. inside, we get a pager thingy and are told 45 to an hr. i go to pee and by the time i get back, samantha has googled a place moments away that can seat us immediately. they should have said that was all they could do. 1 hr and 45 minutes later, we left, hungry and pissed. i wish i could say this was the low point.
sigh.
The bright spot.
we go across the street to the avenue. shes taking me shopping for mothers day. i find a totally cute top and cardi and snag them up. i find a pair of cacky convertibles i love but theyre a little big, so i went down another size. i was in a 26 when i got here. now, 20. "can you feel that captain compost?" they dont have what i want in my size... so i pass on the 22's.
so im totally pumped and we go grab burgers at buckhorn and head back to sj's place.
we pull into the lot and samantha says "mom, wheres your car?"
they towed my car. it was totally my mistake, tho i had parked there numerous times before. there is NO parking for guests in any of the creekside apartments. poor bastards that live there.

i got it out today. 215 dollars poorer a little hurt and a little smarter.
what did i learn. pay attention to the damn signs no matter what anyone else tells you. and parking is a joke in this area.
what the hell do yall do? please advise.
i need a car that collapses and i can put in my bra like i do everything else. ;)

reverend blood

my dear friend blood called the other night. many of you who know me well have heard this name. we try to catch up every few months or so. he is a memphis musician involved in two bands presently. the vacant is a well known hard driving punk force in memphis. their new ep is up on itunes.

check out the vacant. i suggest "we are the vacant" and "memphis hell", altho i like "sexual hitler" too.

may day

i continue to have problems with women. always have, always will im sure. i have always been an easy going,"cant we all play nice children" kind of girl and in recent months, that has changed. its not that i want to stir shit up, but i aint eating anyones either (in my most redneck drawl). i can take quite a bit. but eventually, ill have my fill and when i do, i wont blow, but ill be gone. i loved this lavender pic. i think im gonna have to rethink the camera situation. all the pics in my blog were taken with my cell phone. not bad huh? but i want to take pictures of bugs and dew on leaves. ok ok. buildings and sky is more likely on my budget. i may have to look into a new camera soon. but will continue my rossmoor cell pic project. i cant believe ive been here 8 months already.