making memories

Even more than memories.
I wanted them to spend time doing things together.
To remember they have more in common than me.
They live so far apart, it would be so easy to lose touch.
There is no one who will understand them (on some levels):
even though they are very different.
the way they understand each other simply because they are weird, like me.
(beams with pride)
i think its really a crap shoot with kids.
i know some grown kids that dont leave or have trouble socially and get stuck.
or worse! any number of things can happen. im just lucky.
im flattered they took the time from their lives to spend with me, next time it will be for each other as well.
I can already see they are closer.
how lovely.
check that off my list.

Aloha

Just dropped off the rental car. Heading to the airport and back to the bay. I am exhausted. Almost finished. 

with my teeth sunk into my own flesh

i went through a patch where i ripped up every painting i did, began.,. etc.
this weekend i did 2, something familiar.
one i finished,


the other is soon finished, just adding depth now, perhaps some greenery.
i had no libido either, im wondering if its on the same cycle as the chemo,
 because i remember this happening before. i'll see.



my crazy son arrives tomorrow, its been over a year.
he samantha and i fly out tuesday morning
headed for honolulu for 7 days.
the addams family does oahu, all in black i bet!

i actually wear the black for extra protection,
they wear it for their own reasons.
its true, a darker color blocks more uv rays. cacky 3, black 7.
my skin has an almost allergic reaction to the sun,
it breaks the blood vessels. (thank you liver disease)
so i will be as covered as i can and still get wet.
my personal mission is to fly my mini dragonfly kite on the beach.
and to snorkel, and hope i have the energy to keep up with these 2.
they will not let me rest on the rails,
theyre gonna take me off trail, down a canyon and under the falls.
one pulling and one pushing from the other side saying,
"you can do this mom"
they make me look good. repeatedly.
i cant wait for a break. its been too long.

ive spent too much time waiting and not enough time living.
i know i have cancer,
but i also know im not gonna cure it with heartache and laying on the couch.

what a great place to get a new perspective.
my laast trip to oahu saved my soul.
its time to change.
i cant thik of a better place to sort things out.
sigh

What world is this?

What world is this?  Such an amazing place w amazing things and..... Amazing possibilities. Truly magical things have happened in the last few years. A.......... I got my son back. He could've declined an invitation to meet me again after being estranged for 7!!! Yes 7 years. He had the courage to come meet his sister and Me again, double bullet. Lol it's obvious we were not the people he thought we were. And was pleased enough to continue a relationship with me and his sister ; above what any normal 22 yr old  would do. We talked about the past once. Admitted my fault and we've moved on from there. The 3 of us have a no guilt pack. No more guilt. Life's too short. 

There were a few things on my bucket list. ,,,,,, see zac again., done beyond my wildest expectations. 

To talk to Nic.  Done. 

Snorkel w both kids in hi .... Won't be long! 

I had things return to me, a photo album left behind 27 years before. And a necklace I had forgotten leaving w a friends mom 37 years before. I led a gypsy life from very early. I'm so grateful to revive little treasured memories along the way. 

And.... There's lee.