subjected

what its worth

i'm such a baby. really.
getting my knickers in a twist over a crazy comment by an insane control freak.
i tell myself..."shrug it off. be grateful you have a job. that you dont have to deal with your boss daily. that you make a buttload of money and live rent free."
shut the front door! ;)
i also tell myself... "havent you eaten enough shit in your life? this is the most disgraceful thing youve ever done for money. youve put a price on your dignity."

i was physically sick for 3 hours today about a conversation. i had to let it go. and i am feeling much better. goal next time is to let it go in 5 minutes.

my heart had a crash when we spoke

i have abandoned niteflirt and collarme since ive been at this job and the truth is i really cant afford to. the reality is... there is no security in this job. i can only work, until its done. then look for more.
i willl be going back to collarme, updating niteflirt and keeping a VERY private facebook.  all in the key of dominaxandra.

"lawd, lawd, lawd, we got nothing but trouble!"

for months ive been hesitant to express myself freely here.
worrying about who's looking, reading, paying attention.
i worry about losing my job. alienating people, stepping on feelings.
this will not do.
i started this blog for myself
it was always to be a place for me to write. period.
and we write what we know.
this is my life.

so here it is again, in white on black....
to all former friends lovers and husbands. (makes obscene gesture)
to present loved ones admirers and friends....
if you dont like it. dont look.

have you seen her dressed in blue?

baby you can drive my car!

i have so had it with car shit!
getting my car squared away and comfortable and as soon as i do.... i have to trade with sj and drive the mom car. shes very sweet to help me out this way but godammit i wish i cld jus drive my own car.
the things we do for money. its worse than whoring!

about 630am this morning as i rolled down the 680 into walnut creek and saw the sea of red tailights 8 lanes wide, i panicked for a moment. then i realized that soon, my car trade to sjs yaris would be complete and i could drive to clayton, close the car door and not drive again for a week.

i cleaned out the yar. lots of trash, shoes, clothes, lipgloss, 56 cents and 47 trident wrappers, 4 with sticky gum still inside, 2 lbs of sand, one baby orange, dried, hard green and dusty. one spray of barf on window on backseat and dried drip all the way down to carpet. eww.
then...a roll of papertowels and 3 buckets of clean soapy water. one vaccum with multiple atachments.(just for the inside) if you know sj... you know this is immaculate for a girl who lives out of her car.

so thats all done. one more inspection to pass with my boss but i feel pretty good about it now.

and i'm glad to be at work, back into it for another 5 days!! lol. i start the 5 day countdown when i walk in the door.



californication

today i miss it.

i grab you by the collar and drag you in the door.

you undress at knifepoint.

you are hard.

shackled and spread i would ignore your genitals.

approach your back with the heaviest flogger

thudding your back with increasing pressure and speed.

your flesh goes numb.

your cock is dripping.

something thin and nasty cuts into your back,

your buttocks.

you can jump, cry, twist, beg.

i will not stop,

til i see red.

rant.

basically.... i miss freedom. being able to do what i wanted, anytime i chose.
im pissed about this car situation and dont quite know what to do.
ive made great strides in NOT eating other peoples shit.
but it feels like i have a mouthful right now.
i have to sell the car i just bought or by an additional one.
i still have ofelia and veronica hasnt even made an appt to get a permit.
so i already have 2 cars.
i have to wait for the title to narcissus before i can even try to sell her.
bloody fuck
do i look for another job?
or do i eat this shit fucking sandwich because i want the goddamn money this job pays.
i hate choosing money over principal. ive already lost my healthcare and have become accustomed to these paychecks and there are people depending on me.
im not trapped but im fucking pissed and questioning.

black and white

with a splash of picnik!

narcissus

narcissy!
 much more fun to cruise these california freeways in this 5 speed baby! shes a little dogged out. i wont lie, but i dont mind a lady being a little seasoned. i know theres a lot of life in her yet.
i taught sj to drive her tonight. she didnt kill it coming out of 1st! ive never seen anyone get it the first time. in 15 mins, she was comfortable. great job.
i had to teach her to drive narcissy, so i can use "the yar" (sjs mom car) for work 2X a month. crazy huh. our roles are reversed... nowdays, its not because im irresponsible, its because im old.
incidentally... up that little stone path and beyond the gate... is entrance to the sandra cave.

i'm here and there, i'm everywhere. i'm in, i'm out, i'm gone. i'm under, amongst and i'm above. i'm betwixt, beneath and beyond!

are you ready?

picnik is my new addiction!

i feel the power growin in my hair.

goals...........................
ive had so few in my life really.
ive had lots of ideas, but very few goals.
since i survived alaska... i set a few.
and i pulled em off.
it feels good. admittedly odd but, good.
so i'm wondering,
what could i do if i set my mind to it.
ive had goals but they werent reaching at all.
if i pushed it.
if i didnt care if i won or lost
and was just happy to live to fight another day...
what dreams may come?

i'll have to think about this one.
obviously i have reached one goal...
im ready to go buy a newer car. cash.
i'll be on the prowl in the east bay this weekend.
run if you see me coming.
im gonna make sure you make as little as possible off me
and feel aroused and manipulated in the process.

only happy when it rains

its a rainy day in clayton. faye and the kitties are all snuggled up in the den. me in the sandra cave.

this daffodil was screaming to come in when i went out for the paper this morning... so it became a photo project. i used all three cameras. web, cell and digital. this came from the webcam. i used picnik photo editor.

it was a nice break from all the phone calls and red tape and online car shopping. ugh!

i'm excited for tonight and my 30 minute car picnic in front of the house. sushi and heavy breathing. delish!

hello march!

the year is flying by already.
ive so much to get done and so many places to go.
life sure got complicated!
the sorting process begins today.
wish me luck!!