no mas

a black cloud just slammed my heart and i realized i am leaving here. today. that i wont be seeing tootie everyday anymore. and i cant stop crying.

why do you act so stupid, you know that i'm always right.

"i cant fix what you broke"

cant pretend that growing old never hurts

well. once again my life is unrecognizable.
my job ends wed. i ended a relationship sunday. my cell and my car took a dump the same day.
on the upside. i have a second interview tomorrow.
i didnt go to folsom. i wanted to hide away... and thats what i did.
frustrating how some people choose to be miserable. or feel sorry for themselves or curl up with their flaws. you just thought you were depressed! doesnt compare to bein alone and depressed.

all the plans i was making............*flush*
looks like a total tear down and rebuild is in order.
i'll be at least 3 days with no car. i have another phone, but its tricky learning to use it. how am i gonna make that interview without disrupting samanthas life.
and have i really spent a year here to leave with no car? its what i posted off all winter for.... sniff.

white boys named Leon

id love to make my own vid to this song. i adore leon russell.

dont forsake me cause i love you

things are mad!
ok... so some may not be ready for this. (look away goldsmith)
i must be blatant at this point. i have just 4 work days left at this job.
i come on duty this morning. basically i am told that my toothbrush was sacrificed during the night shift because a) it was there and b) he needed something to get the shit from beneath tooties nails after he caught her playing with it.
................i was stunned. drop jawed. he offered me 5 bucks.
what a douchebag.

had a job interview this evening. i couldnt say how it went.
2 of them, one of me. a little odd.
i am incredible. but not sure if they were sharp enough to realize it.
we'll see.
i am so ready to move on. i'm ready for whats next... though i have no idea what it is.
i am "perched headlong" *Morrison
i was once a huge doors fan.
i lived a year in black leather pants and stinky brown boots; notebook shoved up my armpit. i think i was 18-19. i also had a penchant for whiskey, sex and showing my breasts to all of greater chicagoland. in 07 i finally threw out the bulk of bad poetry i had been hauling around for a couple of decades. the good stuff, ive never forgotten.
my mind is like a steel fucking trap. just ask me.
this all makes me think of woody. how he lived and how he couldnt live and how i didnt answer his last letter before he died.
i never expected him to go so quickly. or at all. he was a force of nature. and when he was unhappy, a tornado that sucked up everything in his path. ripped to shreds, years to rebuild.
but i loved him. crazy charismatic mad dog that he was.

the gym . samantha. zumba. omg zumba. what an ass kicking fun time. i cant wait til next week. cant stop moving either. those mad rhythms and beats linger.. *rolling my hips*

i must appear mad. surely i am. i need to get away. the important thing dear reader is... i am writing.

folsom, asa and the countdown to "next"

i am getting excited for folsom. I will be taking analslutalex, he wont be on leash, but i did customize a shirt so i can find him. he got it saturday~~>
 i dont think jan will be coming up for this. what a shame.  she needs it more than me i think. i will be delving into a project with alex october 1st. i will have something to show halloween week or he will be in deep serious trouble.

i packed today. where did all the shit come from? online shopping, growth and development, bullshit ;) i remember how i was when i walked in the door. scared to tears the first night. didnt eat save a banana the first 2 days. i fell easily into my job caring for tootie and it was good to have someone to take care of and i must admit, having total control of her for months like i did.... well. i likened it to having total control of anyones life (sans sex) i monitored everything. sleep, toileting, bathing, meals.... every bite of food she ate. every sip of water, what she wore each day.. ordered food and meds. everything. and i mean god damned everything!! if i handled the funds too i would have been god!
i'm ready for whatever is next. i'm not sure what it is just yet. but i've enough in the bank to cover down 2 months. i intend to start job hunitng in 2 weeks but until then... im on the roam. ahhh! i cant wait.
i say this often...and i'll say it again.  i cant wait to see what happens next.
its good to be dominaxandra!

stars and erratic douchebags

dominatrix walks into a bar.. i got a better one.

i get a niteflirt call. guy is bumbling before i say hello. he is mad, erratic and pushy. thats my job!

he wants to talk about something illegal and i hesitate trying to clarify and i just cant abide so.. i hang up. i send an email expressing my regret that i couldnt indulge him and offer to return the money for his call.

he leaves me rancid feedback.

MediterreanHUNK   FAKE! HUNG UP ON ME! I WOULD NEVER HURT MY PARENTS! DID A FANTASY AND SHE TOOK IT TOO FAR! MY PARENTS ARE YOUNGER THAN HER AND WILL OUT LIVE HER! DON'T APPRECIATE HE SAYING FOR ME TO HURT THEM.

i mean really... read the post... what a douchebag. then he calls over and over and gets my IDs and meanwhile. he leaves more feedback good and bad until i reached customer support and was able to block him. bottom line. he fucked with my rating when he left the 2  1 star ratings. i dropped from 12 to 82 in "FemDommes Top Picks". it also takes you off front page circulation for 2 weeks. give a call, spend 20 bucks. give your Domina stars. i want back in the top 20!

two weeks notice

it feels good. it feels incredible. like a brutal, steel-boned corset ive been wearing for a year is being loosened and soon... i can slide out of it.
i thought the other caregiver was going to puke when i told him. he looked sick. i did get a lovely message from my boss assuring me she'd be happy to give me a letter of recommendation. yesterday i was dancing like a fool. so happy to move on. i still am, but a knot wells in my throat when i think of how scared i was when i walked in this door the first time. life is different. i've changed so much. its uncanny really.
so... on to new adventures.
i have no job lined up. im gonna take 2 well deserved weeks off, though i will be on niteflirt. ive been working on a new project in that area that is coming along nicely thus far.
call long and call often.

eat some fuck

not many know that i was once married to a biker. a mad, in your face, red headed, prick bastard aptly named...woodpecker.
he was laziness with tattoos and absolutley smitten with me and quite charismatic. we fucked and fought for 7 years and produced one beautiful daughter, though we didnt make it far past her birth.
we were insane coholips until her birth... and then i changed. it was instantaneous.
woody died a couple of  years ago. sj recieved word he was ill and in 6 months he was gone.
sj and i met for brunch last week. she says... oh yea, and hands me her phone.............. this is what i saw~~>
he was cremated after his death. his sister finally "brought him home" august 13th 2010. rip woody.

**eat some fuck was woodys favorite saying. he had it put on a tshirt in 4 inch letters and wore it to court on a federal weapons charge. (rogue bastard that he was in 1980) 56 unregistered weapons that were brought into the courtroom in a shopping cart. this charmed fucker did 4 months federal work release.

i take care of the vultures with a glass of wine

its 3 am. so naturally when i went to pee, i checked on tootie. she was still, eyes open. i walked over and touched her shoulder and asked if she wanted a drink. she didnt move, eyes fixed, i shook her 3 times before i saw her take a breath. she looked at me and i started to cry. i thought she was gone. not that i would be sad for her, she  hasnt known anyone, including herself, in over 5 years.  i will be happy for her, relieve for her family and sad for me. ive learned alot about myself caring for tootie.
they have told me she will likely forget how to swallow and choke to death. i guess i am hoping when it happens she will just pass in her sleep.  more peaceful than choking to death. holy fuck that sounds horrid.
i know she deserves to move on... but im wondering how im going to handle another death. because right now. it feels like i swallowed a boot...
part of me wants to stay until she passes, the other thinks its time to move on.

frustration

what i wouldnt give for a grey fall day. all this california sunshine depresses the hell out of me.

i'm mad at the effin world anyway. my paycheck bounced last week and still hasnt been sorted out. 2 weekends i couldve done something, but i'm broke.

i have been going to the gym but it has not calmed my need to whip the shit out of someones entire backside.
i dont have anything nice to say.

ghosts appear and fade away

another long lost love appeared again tonight. this one did his research...
found that glitch i missed that connected my real name with my domina presence and... oh lawdy!
seems he isnt terribly far away. how far away is palo alto? its a damn sight closer than memphis. its incredible when you picture someone in your mind from oh hell............. 1975. (fuck me)like theyre frozen in time... until you see...wild.
stay tuned...

random and low

you can tell a woman hates her hair when she posts hella old pics of herself!

im on the clock til 6p saturday. im also on the flirt!! just posted new foot pics. today and reworked a couple of listings. I am so ready to hear your most perverse fantasies and confessions.
i will be on cam some... i know! its been ages.... wanna see?

disgruntled domina

i just ran across this pic and it is soooo how im feeling. i could go postal with a bullwhip and a sword right now. wells fargo, drama queens, flaky submissives and good people dealing with unneccessary bullshit. RAWR!

on the upside...

thanks to a lovely man, my car is fixed, save a bit of paperwork. thats a huge load off my mind. and sj and i are joining 24 Fitness this evening after work so hopefully i can expel some of my hostile energy.

if anyone would like to offer themselves as a canvas for my malevolence, email or call 1800TOFLIRT ext 03-42-292