rider to the gran delusion

i was thinking as i was working out about what i'd said in a previous post.
about breaking promises to yourself.
 and i thought how criminal that is... and what a hypocrit i am.
ive never done good things for myself until the last year or so.
i was so bent on destroying myself.
ive amended that somewhat, though...
theres one promise ive yet to keep.
it feels like time.

pieces of april

the gran delusion

i am so disillusioned.
people do nothing but disappoint.
usually its because they didnt even try.
lackadaisical mother fuckers.

how can people skate through life, making and breaking every promise they make...
to others, to themselves?
does no one mean what they say anymore?
if you word is no good.... what do you have?

for almost 3 months. shes been telling me she would send the package to me.....
so i send someone to retrieve it from her.....
i got 2 excuses and now.... they wont answer my calls, messages.
who needs fucking friends!

unplugged

written 4-18-11


i wish i could unplug from the stimuli overload that is my new life.

blood.. it aint even sexual.

its the computer and the phone and the email and the netflix,gmail, yatwitfacegooglehoo. i wish i could go back to words on a page sometimes. i know i'd miss it. but i feel like im overdosing. on stimulation. i cant read a book because half a dozen other things, most electronic, are competeing for my attention. its a bit exhausting.



on the upside...

i am always glad to return to clayton rejuvenated for another week.

i havent finished my mission.

i know where you are from your side. people that love you just wont let you destroy yourself. they dont understand. it is your lifes mission and dont suspect you could stop it if you tried.. until its run its course.

its our cross, if you will. to battle the forces that tell us to destroy ourselves because ultimately, thats what we're here to do, addicts.

i totally get it babe. but im fighting the forces.

take in the little rushes... like driving into the sunrise.

it is rebirth!

suicide blonde was the color of her hair

stellar vocals and killer harp. damn!


i had a real thing for michael hutchence back in the day.
and of course... the chubby guy, (blowin harp... andrew farris) he kicks ass.
makes me want to give the harmonica another try.

i will not break the way you did, you fell so far...

havent had niteflirt on since december.
but i turned it on tonight.
did that first call...
like i never missed a beat!

had issues with 2 businesses this week and today i calmly...
got wells fargo to credit me back 1/2 what they charged me.
and hopefully got bay city to get moving on my title.
i aint eating another fucking bite of someone elses shit.
thanks to iggy and a piece called "no shit!

today faye mentioned the rapture. i said...
if they pull everyone to heaven... i'll still be here.
she said... so will i, so we'll be in good company.
i love that gal!!

i cant explain it, just part of who i am. i have the sagittarius wanderlust.
or perhaps my sperm donor was a gypsy. because i have the itch. even tho i cant think of a better place to live.

"i dont need to use my eyes to see"

i feel the changes in my body.
they wail on me some days.
and i look back
on my life
and how i  L I V E D;
and abused my liver out of ignorance; as i truly knew no better at the time.
and i think of others. so young.
none of us know how much time we have.
death seems too confining,
my claustrophobic ass will surely fight that shit!

tears are gonna fall...

ive been hearing this name for months... so i googled it. WOW!!!

i pity the fool that falls in love with you!

i first heard this song's clean version called 'forget you" which is great. i love it. then this am i heard about this.... hella awesome.

200th post!!

oh happy day!
wow. i never saw this coming.
i'd like to thank stupid people for giving me great material.
recently received pics from memphis.
still waiting on a box i left in chicago in 1987. this could get interesting!
heres a very young (10) year old domina in her parochial school uniform!

the ceiling gets closer to you all the time

theyre strange days.
i am continually amazed, disgusted, awestruck.
it runs the gamut regularly.
we celebrate the death of one extremist
while the south is ravaged by storms, tornadoes and flooding.
haiti, chili, japan, snowmageddon and now this mass of storms.
im ready for my turn.
im ready to be in a pile of rubble with faye and the cats. waiting on smathy to come find me.
and she will.

.
mothers day. of course i spent the day with sj.
i didnt hear from the boy. (thats right becky... EAT ME)
it wouldve been nice., i never expect but. i guess its in there somewhere looming. that tiny glimmer called hope. i hoped i'd hear from him. though its generally no more than a text messsage.
she made him feel guilty talking to me when he was 8. and he still lives there. so there you go...
fucking greasy cunt. can you never try to steal my kids?
oh yea...haha.... they are so SANDRA!!

i never dreamed i'd be one of those women that didnt raise their children.
my advise to anyone contemplating this. (NEVER think someone else is better for your kids than you. even their other parent) or your fradulent, hypocrite, husband-thieving cunt of a friend.

dont worry. im not nearly as bitter as i used to be.

i did well on my financial diet this weekend. i must! zoom whitening is expensive and im totally stoked for a bright new smile for my 50th year on the planet.

shadows and butts

my first attempt at nude photography. the second pic may seem graphic to some yet, i saw the opposite. it looks very innocent to me. i am sure i'll be using this butt again, since it was fascinating watching someone so incredibly camera shy, warm up to the camera, just a little. im sure theres an exhibitionist attention whore in there bursting to break free!.

CENSORED

"up is down, black is white, left is right."

and i will never be ignored.

this came on the ipod shuffle and i was reminded what a steamy song it is.
enjoy!

muir woods

up a tree

hello world

deep in the kushberry forest

sj is the funnest person i know. perhaps the funniest too. we spend 80% of our time together(even on the phone) laughing. so it's no suprise that a simple hike in muir woods turned into a hilarious adventure. we had a great time, explored off trail and had a picnik on the side of hill, where sj climbed a tree. she had this chubby girl climbin up and down places i thought i'd never see again. it was AMAZING to be up a tree again. we sat up there comfortable for quite awhile. i made the ultimate sacrifice and smoked the last j to keep the bugs away while we were hanging out in the tree.... awesome!