counting down...

i am hella excited to have a scrummy new collarme profile, with a new ad for a new year and a brand new adventure! i have met more people off collarme since 05 than off yahoo, so i feel confident i can have a servant or 2 in my new area pretty quickly. men are such whores!

im so excited to be moving into a brand new area and cant wait to explore it.
truth is, whether i find someone or not, im ready to jump in the car myself and drive to fresno, where i know jan (sub f 49) will be deeelighted to show me round wherever i desire! shouldve done that already. totally my fault.(herein i believe i will have a set amount of time i give anyone to get it together)
ahhh. im so ready for change and for the new year and the new job.... and oh whats to come.
life is young and im so beautiful...i cant wait to see what happens next.

this time... will be the last time

 i love the week between xmas and new years. i like to clean out the old and get ready for a bright and shiny new year. 1~1~11... what a trip.
 for the most part i am excited about whats next. starting to move some things to clayton today. which also means i can get rid of some crap while im at it.
after spending the last week cleaning out one womans treasures, saved for so long they were basically rubbish; i dont want any excess baggage.

i learned something in the past couple of years that only dawned on me recently...i will share that now.
when someone tells you you deserve better than them, believe it.
in my experience it means they are unwilling to attempt to try.
hey... thanks for letting me know youre a dick!

rain

i had a love affair with the rain. it began when i moved back to memphis after a stretch in emeryville.
i missed the vicious thunderstroms from my youth that sent off sirens and my dads heart rate. he'd pile us kids into the hallway with lots of pillows.
 i do enjoy things that are dangerous and powerful. ive seen thunderstorms in memphis uproot 200 year old trees, knock out power all over the city and blow the roof off a mall, yet they dont scare me.
i dont love the rain as of late, likely because im driving in it once again. i love to dance in the rain but i hate commuting in the shit.

from dec 22

merry christmas

since for us its about the food and since shed had everything she wanted on thanksgiving, sj and i had a themed christmas. feliz navidad, so we had a christmas eve feast of mexican food. i had found all new recipes and with the friends wed invited it went easy and was quite delish. i got great gifts from sj and got her a few as well.
yet it was clouded by the wondering about my job and another nasty little trinket delivered by a friend.
glad the holidays are over.
moving on...

today it looks as tho my patient will be coming home soon. job, secured. so i will be moving to clayton in the next week. theres a lovely spot all ready for me. i cant wait!

did they get you to trade, your heroes for ghosts?

what a roller coaster. endings, new beginnings.
killer opportunites and mishaps.
and the sandraness just shines through.

do you ever want to grab a friend and say... youre making a huge mistake because youre scared.
 i know. im scared too. i used to be crippled by fear. no more!!

from dec 21

the big five oh

i have an almost gay like obsessesion with turning 50. not since my 21st, has my birthday been so important to me. 50 is a year away and i have a year long plan in motion to make sure i slide into 50 as gracefully as possible; fully clothed and in my almost right mind. not in my craziest, leather drenched daydream... did i contemplate seeing 50, until a year ago.
yet i still feel like a girl.
so much has changed in the last 2 years and i have a much clearer understanding of myself now, than i did in the socially distorted years of prodomination. i wouldnt trade that time for anything and i will always be a domme but, the fat lady has sung. (be warned shes still in the building)

play me leon

just so you know im not over my obsession with leon russell.
i bet the keys love his fingers!




from dec 8, 12:59 am

i would find a way

i hate getting paid once a month. really? and niteflirt is so dodgy these days.
at the time i was moving away from professional domination and into the big facade, niteflirt went down for routine maintenence. what a fucking mess.
it was a week before i could take calls. pay mail didnt work. i cant imagine how much money THEY lost. i have girlfriends that are strictly phone who counted on those daily deposits that literally disappeared. i didnt rely as much on nf as i always preferred live domination. but it still took a bite out of my income, it had seen me from anchorage back to the bay area. i still cant get international calls unless they know to pipe through skype, so i lost 4 regular callers. sweden, england, australia... skype!

they shut down the walnut creek gym because everything in the crizzle must be creekified! so no cardio on the way home from work for the whole month of december. remodeling. jobs for some, inconvenience for others. we bitch we moan. and the band plays on...

drafts

i have half a dozen drafts from november and december that have not posted. some are unfinished.
i will try to catch up the next few days. im working full time over the next 2 weeks and id like them all posted before 1-1-11.

this aint no wow no more

found this draft from dec 4... silly stuff, who knows what i was thinking... ;)


 disillusioned ... but not.

how could anyone create in the matrix
the shackles are relentlessly cold
people are cookie-cutter plastic
with scary white teeth
but they look fantastic.
i cut one today
his blood was gel.
it isnt a hit, it faltered then fell
also rubies and emeralds
have their place in hell.



guess who got a new camera!

wasted words

people are going to disappoint you. hurt you, steal a little of your spirit.
even in my vast efforts to control! i find repeated disappointment in others.
why dont people do what they say theyre going to?
i try to be impeccable with my words when spouting off definite plans. if i cant follow through i generally offer an explanation of why i wasnt able to carry out my word.
i quote tony montana..."all i got is my balls and my word"
i try to be a man of my word.
does anyone keep their word anymore?
or is everything part of the bullshit matrix?

tootie passed

less than 2 months since i left her, tootie passed.
she just turned 88 last week.
RIP ofelia ann schuck

push and pull

ah the day before thanksgiving.
the crizzle is abuzz. i try to stay completely clear of main street. the shopping mecca that is downtown walnut creek is busting at the seams with shoppers and the ice skating in civic park. i loathe everything that holidays represent these days, save the feast with family/friends. to me dealing with the aggravation of traffic outweighs doing things in the city. period.  its almost ridiculous.i guess i'm old.
i am thankful to have love, laughter and happiness in my life.
the sex isnt bad either ! nyaii... did i say that out loud?
all the best
xo ~x

listen to the melody cause my love is in there hiding someplace........LR

one note from a song she wrote could fuck me where i lay

"i open this mouth wide, eat your heart"

warning: oprah

grunt and groan you pig bastards.
its the final season of the oprah winfrey show.
 i remember 1985... the chubby black girl that did a local morning show called... am chicago. in those days i was a new mom and viewing was limited. i had no idea...
at work my client keeps it parked on channel 7 and everyday at 4pm.... theres oprah. i watched some over the years... now i watch religiously to see what she does next.
 this is a woman who gets things done. fuck it... shes got my vote if she wants to run. shes got more money than some countries and i think oprah is the shit! i dont eat up all the sappy shit but the woman is a force to be reckoned with.
you can say "she has to give away money" no she doesnt. she gets things fucking done. and the older i get, the more i appreciate that. ive been a lazy self indulgent underachieving pervert my entire life.
these days, i mean what i say and say what i mean. i also do what i say i'm gonna do. !so should you!
anyway... cheers to oprah. i think shes just lovely.

i refused the love and let it die

im off course and drifting
direction unknown...
i feel like i need a destination.
i need a direction
the journey is the gig and i get that
i just want to know where to point the compass.
i have some decisions to make and hearts to break.
enjoy the video whilst i redirect.

gimme danger

i am still awestruck daily by the sheer beauty of the california landscape. my life has no lack of inspiration. it's all around me. speaking to me from the endless sky; in the comedy of the human experience. my experiences. gold. debauchery embraced, intensity level 8, when i lived to offend...
point is. i've no lack of things to write about. problem is... i dont. write that is.
why? im not sure. i blog so that i write. writing anything is good. but then it becomes a time thing. which is total bullshit. i sure make time for sex... things i really want to do, i make time for.
why is it so hard for me to be still? to close the door and write. something that i love to do.
ive said for years that work saps my creativity. and i see the decline in my blog posts.
and ive this burning desire to spill out some lovely, cruel stories before i forget them.
id welcome any suggestions. i used to love to drink and write. more excuses i guess.
i know i just have to close the door. but this is hard when your time is spent 2 places.
sigh. when all else fails.......f e a r ~ fuck everyting and run

one sides ice and one is fire...

the days just fly by. i cant believe its november. blink twice and it will be christmas. and new years. sigh
have felt rushed in mind and body and i feel such an urgency that i simply cannot relax. so much to take care of that although i'm constantly doing, it feels like nothing gets done. perhaps thats just day to day life in the real world (as opposed to the underground one i lived for so long)

its good to be home but...

long flight, lots of walking, rude fucks all trying to get home.

my lovely daughter picked me up and once home said "sorry... its really messy" before she turned on the light. 

surprise...all clean! ahhh thats so refreshing after travel to come home to a tidy place... 

i work today and tomorrow and a friend comes in from chicago fri before i get off work! argh!

fri til sun. it'll be short sweet and hurried im sure, trying to see what the bay area has to behold in 36 hrs. i'm tired. looks like it will be a few more days before theres any real rest. ouch!

i'm on the flirt, call me.

emos and homos and perverts. oh my!

i arrived in new orleans at 4p on halloween. checked in to the hotel and stepped out into the street with m~.

we were hungry and headed for bourbon street to eat. with the saints playing just blocks away, saints fever was at full throttle, and it was still daylight. once in the quarter, i knew it immediately by the stench. body odor, vomit and lots of alcoholic garbage. there were lots of people walking around in costume, lots of saint fans in hats and jerseys. we found Oceanas restaurant and had a great meal, then slipped back into the street with m~ lugging the rest of my blackened duck and pecan pie.

we walked for awhile, stopped in a couple of shops. and then...along came a parade! it was short but colorful and fun with lots of bead throwing by scantily clad women and prancing of countless men in drag!

when the parade ended... there they were. the fear god people. holding this sign!

notice the catergories, punks, emos and good people are going to hell. out of the 33 categories listed, i'm

 proud to say that at one time i have been in 23 of them. now i'm just an athiest, pervert sinner that's good people! the best part is that jesus was standin next to the guy holding this sign....

so i followed jesus down bourbon street...

we ended up back at the hotel pretty early, but happy and tired and satisfied.

then this morning, i heard that 3 people were killed on bourbon street last night.

again my timing was impeccable. they said the amount of people last night on bourbon was only exceeded by mardi gras. well no shit. lol

*pout*

i am dyiiiing without a camera. AHHH!
my phone got wet just as i was starting a new job so.... im waiting for that 1st check to replace the phone, among other things. i didnt realize how often i take pics until i lost the capability!
if youre gonna couch surf in california in 2010... the possibilities for weirdness are endless! you need a camera at all times to documnet the awesome madness of it all!
if i have to do halloween in new orleans with no cam... i'll be hella disappointed.

my own prison

im unhappy.
my thoughts are all over the place. i feel like i have no control over anything.
not even my own body, which has forsaken me. and i am trapped.
trapped in my mind, in my body, in walnut creek, in california.
i wanna throw some clothes and toys in ophelia and move it on down the highway.
im tired. and since i am sandra, my first insticnt is to run.
it never made me feel like a coward, i always felt like an adventurer.
"theres only so much you can learn in one place"
but the truth is... im too old to run and at times i wish i had a home again.

being back on the radar is a bit scary. i dont know what will come barreling towards me.

up the neck

lots of delicious flirt calls this morning.
be the first on your block! contribute to


help me have the most fun in new orleans and hear about my adventure with stupidphuck m~ when i return!

halloween in new orleans

i should be excited.
ive no costume and i cant drink.
is there something to do in new orleans besides dress like a chick youd meet at a weenie roast in hell and drink like a fool?
its all ive ever done there.

my memories are hazy and whiskey stained
new orleans is seedy and sinful.
it conjurs images of voodoo, cemetaries and creole folk
of scantily clad women in the street
of mardi gras beads and boobage
of mudbugs and the mississippi
of bars, jazz and alcohol
lots of alcohol.

m~ has been a devoted servant since 01.
we planned this trip before katrina hit. its been a long time coming.

out of time.

i have about 30 minutes before i leave for work. life is good, though it feels like there isnt enough of me to go round. this is a GOOD thing.
things seem to be lining up well for me. not perfectly; then it wouldnt be my life if there werent a snag or two to contend with.
so many things to touch on, they will spill out seemingly without order. there is none. only the chaos of my life holding my thoughts in until they are a jumbled mess.
i relapsed into a bit of self destruction. but caught myself quickly.
although i am finished with anal slut alex and our project is now defunct, i am not finished with rob.

i may die if i dont get this ring.

trusted

so incredibly busy. no day off til next saturday.
feel like im being pulled in a hundred directions... but its really only a handful.
new job is different. no paycheck for a month. ouch!
ive really no home, but keys to 3 different dwellings. isnt that odd? doesnt necessarily mean im always welcome but... i am trusted!

no mas

a black cloud just slammed my heart and i realized i am leaving here. today. that i wont be seeing tootie everyday anymore. and i cant stop crying.

why do you act so stupid, you know that i'm always right.

"i cant fix what you broke"

cant pretend that growing old never hurts

well. once again my life is unrecognizable.
my job ends wed. i ended a relationship sunday. my cell and my car took a dump the same day.
on the upside. i have a second interview tomorrow.
i didnt go to folsom. i wanted to hide away... and thats what i did.
frustrating how some people choose to be miserable. or feel sorry for themselves or curl up with their flaws. you just thought you were depressed! doesnt compare to bein alone and depressed.

all the plans i was making............*flush*
looks like a total tear down and rebuild is in order.
i'll be at least 3 days with no car. i have another phone, but its tricky learning to use it. how am i gonna make that interview without disrupting samanthas life.
and have i really spent a year here to leave with no car? its what i posted off all winter for.... sniff.

white boys named Leon

id love to make my own vid to this song. i adore leon russell.

dont forsake me cause i love you

things are mad!
ok... so some may not be ready for this. (look away goldsmith)
i must be blatant at this point. i have just 4 work days left at this job.
i come on duty this morning. basically i am told that my toothbrush was sacrificed during the night shift because a) it was there and b) he needed something to get the shit from beneath tooties nails after he caught her playing with it.
................i was stunned. drop jawed. he offered me 5 bucks.
what a douchebag.

had a job interview this evening. i couldnt say how it went.
2 of them, one of me. a little odd.
i am incredible. but not sure if they were sharp enough to realize it.
we'll see.
i am so ready to move on. i'm ready for whats next... though i have no idea what it is.
i am "perched headlong" *Morrison
i was once a huge doors fan.
i lived a year in black leather pants and stinky brown boots; notebook shoved up my armpit. i think i was 18-19. i also had a penchant for whiskey, sex and showing my breasts to all of greater chicagoland. in 07 i finally threw out the bulk of bad poetry i had been hauling around for a couple of decades. the good stuff, ive never forgotten.
my mind is like a steel fucking trap. just ask me.
this all makes me think of woody. how he lived and how he couldnt live and how i didnt answer his last letter before he died.
i never expected him to go so quickly. or at all. he was a force of nature. and when he was unhappy, a tornado that sucked up everything in his path. ripped to shreds, years to rebuild.
but i loved him. crazy charismatic mad dog that he was.

the gym . samantha. zumba. omg zumba. what an ass kicking fun time. i cant wait til next week. cant stop moving either. those mad rhythms and beats linger.. *rolling my hips*

i must appear mad. surely i am. i need to get away. the important thing dear reader is... i am writing.

folsom, asa and the countdown to "next"

i am getting excited for folsom. I will be taking analslutalex, he wont be on leash, but i did customize a shirt so i can find him. he got it saturday~~>
 i dont think jan will be coming up for this. what a shame.  she needs it more than me i think. i will be delving into a project with alex october 1st. i will have something to show halloween week or he will be in deep serious trouble.

i packed today. where did all the shit come from? online shopping, growth and development, bullshit ;) i remember how i was when i walked in the door. scared to tears the first night. didnt eat save a banana the first 2 days. i fell easily into my job caring for tootie and it was good to have someone to take care of and i must admit, having total control of her for months like i did.... well. i likened it to having total control of anyones life (sans sex) i monitored everything. sleep, toileting, bathing, meals.... every bite of food she ate. every sip of water, what she wore each day.. ordered food and meds. everything. and i mean god damned everything!! if i handled the funds too i would have been god!
i'm ready for whatever is next. i'm not sure what it is just yet. but i've enough in the bank to cover down 2 months. i intend to start job hunitng in 2 weeks but until then... im on the roam. ahhh! i cant wait.
i say this often...and i'll say it again.  i cant wait to see what happens next.
its good to be dominaxandra!

stars and erratic douchebags

dominatrix walks into a bar.. i got a better one.

i get a niteflirt call. guy is bumbling before i say hello. he is mad, erratic and pushy. thats my job!

he wants to talk about something illegal and i hesitate trying to clarify and i just cant abide so.. i hang up. i send an email expressing my regret that i couldnt indulge him and offer to return the money for his call.

he leaves me rancid feedback.

MediterreanHUNK   FAKE! HUNG UP ON ME! I WOULD NEVER HURT MY PARENTS! DID A FANTASY AND SHE TOOK IT TOO FAR! MY PARENTS ARE YOUNGER THAN HER AND WILL OUT LIVE HER! DON'T APPRECIATE HE SAYING FOR ME TO HURT THEM.

i mean really... read the post... what a douchebag. then he calls over and over and gets my IDs and meanwhile. he leaves more feedback good and bad until i reached customer support and was able to block him. bottom line. he fucked with my rating when he left the 2  1 star ratings. i dropped from 12 to 82 in "FemDommes Top Picks". it also takes you off front page circulation for 2 weeks. give a call, spend 20 bucks. give your Domina stars. i want back in the top 20!

two weeks notice

it feels good. it feels incredible. like a brutal, steel-boned corset ive been wearing for a year is being loosened and soon... i can slide out of it.
i thought the other caregiver was going to puke when i told him. he looked sick. i did get a lovely message from my boss assuring me she'd be happy to give me a letter of recommendation. yesterday i was dancing like a fool. so happy to move on. i still am, but a knot wells in my throat when i think of how scared i was when i walked in this door the first time. life is different. i've changed so much. its uncanny really.
so... on to new adventures.
i have no job lined up. im gonna take 2 well deserved weeks off, though i will be on niteflirt. ive been working on a new project in that area that is coming along nicely thus far.
call long and call often.

eat some fuck

not many know that i was once married to a biker. a mad, in your face, red headed, prick bastard aptly named...woodpecker.
he was laziness with tattoos and absolutley smitten with me and quite charismatic. we fucked and fought for 7 years and produced one beautiful daughter, though we didnt make it far past her birth.
we were insane coholips until her birth... and then i changed. it was instantaneous.
woody died a couple of  years ago. sj recieved word he was ill and in 6 months he was gone.
sj and i met for brunch last week. she says... oh yea, and hands me her phone.............. this is what i saw~~>
he was cremated after his death. his sister finally "brought him home" august 13th 2010. rip woody.

**eat some fuck was woodys favorite saying. he had it put on a tshirt in 4 inch letters and wore it to court on a federal weapons charge. (rogue bastard that he was in 1980) 56 unregistered weapons that were brought into the courtroom in a shopping cart. this charmed fucker did 4 months federal work release.

i take care of the vultures with a glass of wine

its 3 am. so naturally when i went to pee, i checked on tootie. she was still, eyes open. i walked over and touched her shoulder and asked if she wanted a drink. she didnt move, eyes fixed, i shook her 3 times before i saw her take a breath. she looked at me and i started to cry. i thought she was gone. not that i would be sad for her, she  hasnt known anyone, including herself, in over 5 years.  i will be happy for her, relieve for her family and sad for me. ive learned alot about myself caring for tootie.
they have told me she will likely forget how to swallow and choke to death. i guess i am hoping when it happens she will just pass in her sleep.  more peaceful than choking to death. holy fuck that sounds horrid.
i know she deserves to move on... but im wondering how im going to handle another death. because right now. it feels like i swallowed a boot...
part of me wants to stay until she passes, the other thinks its time to move on.

frustration

what i wouldnt give for a grey fall day. all this california sunshine depresses the hell out of me.

i'm mad at the effin world anyway. my paycheck bounced last week and still hasnt been sorted out. 2 weekends i couldve done something, but i'm broke.

i have been going to the gym but it has not calmed my need to whip the shit out of someones entire backside.
i dont have anything nice to say.

ghosts appear and fade away

another long lost love appeared again tonight. this one did his research...
found that glitch i missed that connected my real name with my domina presence and... oh lawdy!
seems he isnt terribly far away. how far away is palo alto? its a damn sight closer than memphis. its incredible when you picture someone in your mind from oh hell............. 1975. (fuck me)like theyre frozen in time... until you see...wild.
stay tuned...

random and low

you can tell a woman hates her hair when she posts hella old pics of herself!

im on the clock til 6p saturday. im also on the flirt!! just posted new foot pics. today and reworked a couple of listings. I am so ready to hear your most perverse fantasies and confessions.
i will be on cam some... i know! its been ages.... wanna see?

disgruntled domina

i just ran across this pic and it is soooo how im feeling. i could go postal with a bullwhip and a sword right now. wells fargo, drama queens, flaky submissives and good people dealing with unneccessary bullshit. RAWR!

on the upside...

thanks to a lovely man, my car is fixed, save a bit of paperwork. thats a huge load off my mind. and sj and i are joining 24 Fitness this evening after work so hopefully i can expel some of my hostile energy.

if anyone would like to offer themselves as a canvas for my malevolence, email or call 1800TOFLIRT ext 03-42-292

no we wont be raped

let me rant for a moment about my hair.

women... myself included.. cannot leave our hair alone. after wearing the same hair for 2 whole years, i got a really great haircut...... i LOVED it.

then in trying to keep it that way... i got several really bad cuts. no photos ewww

then i got possibly the best advice EVER about my hair.

"JUST LEAVE IT ALONE"

so i did. and it grew, and grew and before i knew it...

THEN... a female suggested i needed a change.

so i cut it.

then i cut bangs.

then i had a hair appt made 6 months earlier.

and she cut it.

and now... i hate it

so... i will no longer allow ANYONE to tell me what my hair needs. i been dealing with the mop for a long time. i dont think anyone knows better than me what it needs...

so now, i will just leave it alone!!

one of the best days ever

it required a bit of evil manipulation and two drives to samanthas. (9 to 14 minutes depending on one freakin light)
had breakfast w samantha on my morning break and went back when i got off work at 6p. we made a peach and blueberry cobbler and laughed for a couple of hours setting the terms for a new project. we have too much fun at the expense of others! but its sooo much fun.
i was also able to manipulate a situation to my advantage and sheer delight. me and sj laughed ourselves silly into the wee hours on the phone. i just spent 10 minutes trying to contain laughter. argh! hilarious. suffer scott suffer. i might pee myself.

domina pride

let me ramble about pleasure for a moment.

turn your mind to things sinful and delicious.

.... as a domina,

i saw your sons, your husbands and commitment phobic boyfriends.

they showed, though some had to be drug inside.

i stripped them naked and cuffed and blindfolded them, i bound their hands, feet or both and i taunted them. i pulled secrets from them, made them confess what lying cheating douchebags they were. i laughed at their arrogances and humiliated them. I pranced them like pretty pink whores and teased them mercilessly... whipped their asses (mindful not to leave marks) made them cry, eat their cum, grovel like dogs. I filled them like whores, spanked and kicked them, spit on them, and ripped their flesh bloody when i could... but i did NOT fuck them.

the pic is circa 2003. damn i looked good. the last 5 years have not been so kind.

hummer smacked

its true. i was smacked by a hummer in a freakin parking garage. the lady was very kind, apologetic and it wasnt completely her fault. she hit me yes. but someone vulturing for my spot, boxed me in so tight i couldnt move and then the hummer parked next to me backed out. my car so low and hers high, so she never saw me. it could have eaten my little 86 celica, so im grateful it only crunched a front blinker and did a number on one headlight. ophelia is perpetually winking.
so tomorrow on my day off... i get to go get an estimate. i have one session scheduled. first in a while. the stage is set... fucker just has to show up. ahh... the possibilities.

the dirt

want to hear the real DIRT on what ive been doing?
call me.
you know the tales of perverse darkness i can unload and enlighten you with!
lots of new treasures to behold at

2am

2 am
rough and raw
alone
pensive and beautiful
no frills
just me
the light
the camera
art isnt always pretty.

restless irritable, discontent

i am restless, irritable, discontent.
i cannot focus.

in a sea of ideas
i spiral down
hoping to emerge with one
i can be sure of.

i still need to control another... completely. i relish the thought.
witnessing surrender is the sweetest, most powerful thing.


its so close i can almost feel it.

the cult....

thnking of fall and lust and things that set my loins on fire..
a little something everyone could stick their dick in... even me. ian astbury from the cult... man hes pretty.



just saw these guys will be in san francisco on 9-19. who wants to take me?

time... in this place

if i am vague
if i am absent
be joyful
i am writing.
a new muse. she is beautiful, i love her and i dont want to fuck her, just to let her escape in the words.

whatever works!

life is busy. tootie, samantha, the fave bein a queen and bein a fb junkie, a flirt and still taking care of ME! never enough time so i have to be selfish. it isnt personal.
when summers over. i'll take a breath
try me again then.
i love the fall
i nest
and i love
lust in the fall.

update

i found out tonight why i didnt hear back from one of those i mentioned. it seems another lost friend died in a car accident. her older sister killed herself. god dammit. did i need to know that?
in loving memory of 2 golden haired girls, trapped forever in the 70's.
RIP Stacy Saint
RIP Pam Saint

rant

another social networking rant... are you ready?
fucking facebook. i love it, i hate it. ive actually found some good friends on there and some long lost that shouldve stayed that way. it is interesting to see the face of someone you knew 40 years ago. how they look, if they had kids, if they resemble them and so on. me, i just want a few basic questions answered. did you have a family? whats your favorite city (visited)? are you happy... etc.
heres my bitch...
if you have no intention of communicating with me... dont add me or accept my request. i have written a dozen messages on there that were not responded to in any way. grrr.

proposition 8

it is uncanny to me that, as far as weve come in communication and medicine, people are still judgemental. telling others how to live and love in the name of a supreme being is... well its ignorant.

a court says that not allowing gay marriage is unonstitutional. then less than an hour later... a judge orders a stay so that no gay couples can marry.
who the fuck cares? leave em alone!

to me its a matter of church and state. why should religion be involved in government at all? much less one religion that respresents only a portion of the people and not all of them.
and what about the rest of us. who know the truth... that we are here. allowed a cycle of life and when we cease, after the electrical impulses shut down... we are worm food.. which is part of the cycle.

i dont know. neither do you. this could be it. i am certainly not going to waste it by behaving myself.

open your mind

this is funny and bloody brilliant IMO. the link was sent to me by mr blood.
open your mind and enjoy...

weekend service

whats more fun than putting a favorite pet in pink panties (beneath his clothes) and parading him round the town where he grew up. haha! so many ways to make him SURE hes about to be exposed!

i had the pleasure of a servant this past weekend. m~ is no stranger, as i have had almost daily contact with him since we began communication via email in 1999. we met physically in memphis in 2001 and have tried to get together at least once a year since. i wasnt able to make every trip he offered, but i have enjoyed a few lovely destinations. we always have a marvelous, wicked-good time. this time was no exception. i felt great and revelled in having total control over him in the flesh once again. hypnosis, humiliation and corporal discipline.
i am on fire!

...

"like a bird without a nest
like a stranger in the night
and my soul cries out for rest
and the end is not in sight."
ARA

poison

i feel good and good things are happening for me. yet..... i harbor so much loathing for another human that it cant be good. it has to hinder or hold me back... because its seething poison.

suggestions appreciated.

i love joan jett

and perhaps i have a wee bit of a crush. shes a sexy straight up dude!

whats next?

i feel my time with tootie coming to a close. not because of her or i, but outside forces make it inevitable. i have loved living here, in this beautiful place. where ive had time to breathe and think and be... me.
nonetheless... ive been doing tootie studies with photography recently and had been working on some of her sculptures before that.
if you havent put it together, tootie has alzheimers. a disease that is CRIMINAL in its destruction of the mind. unbelieveable. ask me. ive been in the trenches with tootie for just short of a year.

i dont know what i'll do next.
i will say i miss domination. terribly.
xoxo ~x

ready!

wow. one more day and he will be here. i still cant believe it. im so overwhelmed with emotion already. so grateful that its all coming about. so happy for sj and zed. they deserve to know each other.
zac talked about feeling so weird and she reminded him... "you are your mothers son" no one will understand them like they will each other. my babies and i carry more than odd physical traits.

one airline ticket...................xxx dollars
fridge full of dude food ............xxx dollars
seeing both your babies together.....priceless


i cant wait to see them together. and to spend some time with both of them. *sigh* my cup runneth over.

niteflirt

lots going on on nf lately. new listings, cam shows, foot and amazing ass worship pics.

but do i look good?

facebook, sad news and questions

i found a nephew on fb, forwarded the link to sj, who added and then spoke to him. it seems there was a suicide in the family.
can you be thinking of anyone else when you follow through and eat a bullet? leaving your brains on the wall doesnt seem like you were thinking of anyone but yourself. i guess a suicide always leaves you with questions and an all around icky feeling. i just feel shitty 10 different ways. im still shakin my head.

so as is the ritual here.
RIP David Eddins

lust

i miss holding it in the palm of my hand.
mine to mask, devour or destroy.
merciless cries from the edge,
moans of a soul torn by service and self.
this moment hangs in the balance of my desire.
spend some time under my darkened lust.

santa cruz

drove down to santa cruz with the fave yesterday. cute little place. hella crowded, parking is insane. but a yummy feel and you can see why all kinds of people flock there.
ate at a place called acapulco. i had a skirt steak. been 25 years since id seen one on a menu. it was just as good as i remember.

i took a few pics. most didnt turn out. using a cell camera that i cant see in the sunlight.



here are the images from last weeks journey up north. we stopped at a nursery to look around and i fell in love with dahlias all over again.

jus sayin...

people with questions "about" me... should pose them "to" me.

the zacman cometh

for years i have wished that he would want to know us. so 8 years worth of tears, wishes and psychotic, razor~wielding, butterflies on acid are welling inside of me. sj and i were already prepared to purchase a ticket. on 7-9 he lands at sfo. it was may 2002 when we were last all together.
once again... i cant wait to see what happens next.

fathers day

since my dads have passed on, this day is a little sad. so in loving memory of jimmy crain and larry geeslin... happy fathers day. i love and miss you still.

nyc

samantha and i just decided on our next trip.
business will be taking her to the big apple in august and shes asked moi to accompany her. *squeals* so much work to do, so much money to make!
i am so excited i cant sleep. just the though drives me a little over the edge. sj and i loose in ny. of course i will have a nyc fan show me round while sjs tied up.
suggestions? aside from the obvious. she has a few ideas.. i want to see times square and the visit the guggenheim. (off the top of my head) and i think, ellis island.... oh yea. the chelsea is a must!
agrhrhee! i cant stand it. ill be on cam often in the next few months. lucky you!

i dont love summer

i know it isnt summer yet, but when i feel a cool breeze i think... soon. soon it will be fall.
argh! i do not love the heat of the sun, i dont want a tan. but to live life completely. you must deal with the sun. i wish more things could be done by the light of the moon. i wish i didnt gripe so much. some might say i am never satisfied. i say fuck em. im old and ive earned the right to complain a few days each month. (wink wink)
it seems that i have less time now that i dont work as often. more demands on my time perhaps. tonight i look forward to running out at 6 to get a desk and scammering back to my room to cam til midnight! hope to see you there.

weight loss

i have had several people ask how i lost the weight.
simply.... i moved my ass. i started when i was confined and could only walk with tootie. shes 87 and gets around pretty well but, walking with her is not stepping it up. so i bought some used workout dvds off amazon and started doing them. then i started to dance in the kitchen. my daughter bought me an ipod for christmas and thats when i kicked into high gear. it has a pedometer... among its other spiffy qualities.
when sj would come over in the evenings and when i did go walk, i noticed i could step livlier depending on what song was playing. so added lots of disco and dance to my ipod and... i move my ass.
i have made some changes in the way i eat. no salt, no liquor and i eat lots of fresh produce at home. even take it with me out so i have a healthy snack. i am seldom without an orange in my purse. the good feeling perpetuates itself.
i move my ass daily but i spend 2-3 hrs 4 days a week moving, walking, dancing, and now a little swimmming. just got a season pass to waterworld and altho its not lots of swimming, there is lots of walking and stairs involved. i have found a local hiking group and i hope to be ready to hike with them in the fall.

i climbed this bitch today!

speechless........

johnny cash covering NIN. hurt, haunting.


rosanne cash said that when she saw it, she didnt like it and told him it looked like he was saying goodbye. he said "i am." i think its sad and lovely and stirring.

alone i keep the wolves at bay

i feel scattered, unfocused and pensive. i dont know if its my raging pausal moans (perimenopausal hormones)but i feel terribly nostalgic. im trying to recount and remember in a way i never have before. generally i am not a person who looks back.
perhaps i just realize that im not bloody immortal. because i dont really feel old. i just feel like ive been here a long time.

couple of images

memorial weekend

memorial weekend 1979, somewhere in wisconsin
i couldnt get the weekend off so i quit my job to go camping with my friends. such are the priorities of a 17 year old living on her own. (altho i quit a crap paying job for a tip income job, which turned out to be perrrfect for me)
i believe i rode with sue jackson and possibly kathy fosdale, we gathered in the parking lot of the spruce inn when it closed, cars packed and ready to roll. and we did, in a caravan of cars and vans. we screamed at each other out the windows and i recall, sucking on a bottle of wine the whole way there. mateus or boones farm, i dont remember which.
i didnt have a tent. i gypsied the weekend. i had a cooler full of food, plenty of liqour and my charm. i dont think i slept any of the three days. i ate lots of acid, drank an ungodly amount of booze and smoked my weight in cannabis. i was in a motorcycle crash (burned calf was the only injury i sustained), a wet tshirt contest and helped a psychopath in a head dress campaign for the presidency. it was awesome madness.
is it any wonder my feet are burning for the road?

jupiters plight

being a sagittarius, which is ruled by jupiter (and dont i feel it)i absolutely love this song by train.

i saw pat monohan in an interview.. he said his mom had passed and one night he awoke with these words... "shes back in the atomosphere" and said he knew she was out there.

stoked.

ive been at this job since sept 09. since october, i have not had a 24 shift off. 7 months now.
i have bitten, scratched, clawed and put my foot down and i will have a 24 hr break this weekend. i cant wait. dont know exactly what im gonna do yet, but have numerous ideas. i do know i dont want to sleep unless i have to. i want to watch the sun come up... some where. i want to go on an early morning hike. crazy huh? i used to do it when i was younger but there was always mescaline involved. i think i can drag the fave along but, if not, ill go it alone.
just a couple of pics from the week. see that snail.... not nearly clear enough. it could be i moved while snapping the pic, or i need a spiffier cam. i would love to be able to take clear pics of bugs, which i find odd. but... how long since i was close to a grasshopper... not since i was a kid.
xoxo ~x

plenty of fish

the reason there are plenty of fish... is because most need to be thrown back. lets take a look.

there was the guy who said he didnt smoke, but had ashes on his clothes and reeked of nicotene.

there was the quiet guy who was disappointed when i didnt "take him" right away.

the guy who was clearly 15-20 years older than the pic he posted. that hair is not blonde babe... its silver!

my personal fave was the guy who wanted to save gas, so he drove 55 until we were going downhill and then didnt want to use the brakes to get the most of the coast. so on the offramp it was death ride 2010 with him comforting me, "heres the scary part, hold on. " he told me all his shirts were custom made... and you wont spend a quarter to hit the fuckin brakes. mercy!

chemistry is important, but it doesnt mean shit when everything else is off. i tried this regular dating thing and the truth is... id take a sweet submissive guy whos aware of his kinks for one that hasnt a clue what he likes or hides it from me. self awareness is important.

so to alex and m~ rest easy. be proud of yourselves for getting how bloody brilliant and wicked lustful i am!
xoxo x

she waves

closing doors

i found out recently that an old friend of mine died in a car accident, leaving a 10 year old son. worse... it happened 18 years ago. i felt like a schmuck. it set my mind on fire.

first off i thought... wow im a shitty friend. i just moved away from cathy and closed the door behind me. i thought of her, but i never looked back.

i began looking at other relationships; my family, friends, loves. one day, i move on and i close the door. no wonder the people i once knew well want little to do with me now. i was so reckless with others hearts that way. i used to think often about how my parents must have felt... my dads anyway, worrying, wondering where i was and if i was safe, or even alive. but ive never entertained the fact that my siblings may have been hurt. pissed yes, but hurt; the thought never occurred to me.

truth is my leaving so young wasnt about anyone else. it was about me and my search for freedom, truth, knowledge, passion and the exploration of them all. i left because i felt like i would suffocate if i didnt.

in loving memory of Cathy Montleon 1961-1992

mothers day

i had a lovely mothers day. had brunch and laughs with samantha who had killer gifts for me (she always does). heard from zed and even tho i have been unable to reach her, i sent flowers to my sisters house for my mother. last i heard she had a cottage on the sis's property. i hope she got them, and the card. i told her what id want her to know if the sky fell tomorrow. im glad i sent it. happy mothers day jo!

i wrote an email last night to my boss. i felt it would either get me fired, or help me out. it helped. i am valuable to them and if they slack, ill be on top of it.
thanks iggy. i am unwilling to eat anyones sh!t!

tomorrow is a year since jessiekitty passed. its been on my mind for a week and ive welled up several times thinking about it. all the best to joe on this painful anniversary. so much has changed in my life in the past year. i hope that some of the changes thrust upon him have brought positive results.

cinco de my ass

what started as a great idea took on a new life as a "the burnt mission from hell".
i had wednesday aft off and was to meet samantha at her place. i headed over and she had saved my usual parking spot. more on that later.
i suggested we go for a cinco de mayo celebration and try a mexican place in walnut creek. i had a coupon, which didnt add up to much, but would at least get us to try a new place. we went. it was small. it was dead. and there was an organ playing way too loudly for a place of its size.
we decided... eff this lets go to our reg place.
we said we had to leave, and made our escape, samantha was trying to be cool. she said my laugh was killing the game. i just couldnt stop. we walked to the car laughing... and headed for the next destination.
we see la pinata two or three times in our circling for a spot and find one that was tight and on a heavy traffic trek, right at the light. inside, we get a pager thingy and are told 45 to an hr. i go to pee and by the time i get back, samantha has googled a place moments away that can seat us immediately. they should have said that was all they could do. 1 hr and 45 minutes later, we left, hungry and pissed. i wish i could say this was the low point.
sigh.
The bright spot.
we go across the street to the avenue. shes taking me shopping for mothers day. i find a totally cute top and cardi and snag them up. i find a pair of cacky convertibles i love but theyre a little big, so i went down another size. i was in a 26 when i got here. now, 20. "can you feel that captain compost?" they dont have what i want in my size... so i pass on the 22's.
so im totally pumped and we go grab burgers at buckhorn and head back to sj's place.
we pull into the lot and samantha says "mom, wheres your car?"
they towed my car. it was totally my mistake, tho i had parked there numerous times before. there is NO parking for guests in any of the creekside apartments. poor bastards that live there.

i got it out today. 215 dollars poorer a little hurt and a little smarter.
what did i learn. pay attention to the damn signs no matter what anyone else tells you. and parking is a joke in this area.
what the hell do yall do? please advise.
i need a car that collapses and i can put in my bra like i do everything else. ;)

reverend blood

my dear friend blood called the other night. many of you who know me well have heard this name. we try to catch up every few months or so. he is a memphis musician involved in two bands presently. the vacant is a well known hard driving punk force in memphis. their new ep is up on itunes.

check out the vacant. i suggest "we are the vacant" and "memphis hell", altho i like "sexual hitler" too.

may day

i continue to have problems with women. always have, always will im sure. i have always been an easy going,"cant we all play nice children" kind of girl and in recent months, that has changed. its not that i want to stir shit up, but i aint eating anyones either (in my most redneck drawl). i can take quite a bit. but eventually, ill have my fill and when i do, i wont blow, but ill be gone. i loved this lavender pic. i think im gonna have to rethink the camera situation. all the pics in my blog were taken with my cell phone. not bad huh? but i want to take pictures of bugs and dew on leaves. ok ok. buildings and sky is more likely on my budget. i may have to look into a new camera soon. but will continue my rossmoor cell pic project. i cant believe ive been here 8 months already.

im sandra & im a recovering dominatrix

i recently joined a free dating site. i gave my name and got busted out by a couple guys with a "no thanks". it didnt matter that i was thoughtful, intelligent or attractive, witty and an all around cupcake.

ive always had the two identities. domina and sandra. im used to revealing domina in my time. i judge no one and dont want to be judged. its no ones business until im ready for it to be.

in 2006 i made inquiries about joining a religious order in an attempt to leave professional domination. i was told no by the bony finger of god, better known as the catholic church (and the house that hides pedophiles) ..i became an ordained minister (15 bucks and so can you) and set out on another 3 years of blasphemous debauchery.

truth is... i tend to steer towards things that are alternative or edgy and inevitably, will tarnish me forever with one stigma or another.
xoxo x

mad erratic

the weather is a trip. sun, wind and rain; one right after the other and repeating in various sequences. mad erratic, like memphis. the temperature is sublime; perfect thunderstorm weather in the south. nature is a beautiful bitch with a vicious temper.
rain always makes me pensive.

no shit

It was in the winter of my fiftieth year
When it hit me
I was really alone
And there wasnt a hell a lot of time left
Every laugh and touch that I could get
Became more important
Strangely, I became more bookish
And my home and study meant more to me
As I considered the circumstances of my death
I wanted to find a balance between joy and dignity
On my way out
Above all, I didnt want to take any more shit
Not from anybody ~ iggy pop

pc torture and my big dick

jeez! i'm back. i hardly skipped a beat. i did stress, freak out, but did not cry when i got a nasty virus on my laptop. GRRR... which i wont dignify with a name. it slipped past avg and i clicked it. i know. it looked amazingly like a windows security alert.

so i wrestled sleep all night after talking to dell and reading that this was a nasty bastard. i made 2 calls to techs i know in memphis; no joy. made more calls locally and eventually just pulled out the book. its fixed. i did have to restore to factory settings. but hey. ni did it myself and i know there was no other option. the virus had disabled the start menu. basically it was fucked and i start over. im sure there will be things i cringe about losing (scene photos) but then... i'm all about starting over, completely.

and i didnt have to pay geek squad 2 bills. my dick is so big right now!

kids!

walking with tootiemy daughters child; aptly named lucipher

sunday in civic park

last sunday, for the first time, i got to drive out on my 2 hr break. i went to civic park downtown to walk. it was filled with kids on the playground, moms gabbing over empty strollers and dads milling about, intently doing something with their phones.
there were folk dancers and picnics and a crystal fair...which i steered clear of.
i walked. i saw a rose garden and this drew my eye. so here are a couple of pics... one of which, i believe to be "the creek"
xoxo x

you aint seen bouncin back

a matter that i have been patient about for many years is finally beginning to pay off. and i continue to bulldoze down walls that i had built around myself. im amazed at what i have accomplished in the last 7 months. i'm no longer socially distorted. i feel like part of the world again.
some random images from last week.

sniffle sniffle

ive been a whiny bitch all day, maybe all week. i am so hormonal i reek and ahhh.. to hell with it. heres some pics from last week and a pic of "ofelia", the car that gives me panic attacks but ultimately... keeps me safe.